January 30, 2010

In Which I Continue To Marvel At My Procrastination

Perhaps it's best to just call a spade a fucking shovel here. It's not procrastination so much as unadulterated laziness. (Read: laziness that has not committed adultery. Or 'pure' laziness.)

I am in the middle of two continuing story series for friends. One is a Choose Your Own Adventure that I started sometime in the early part of last year and have allowed to languish for about five months while said friend has been patiently requesting that I continue it. It's not that I don't have ideas. I do. It's not that I don't love said friend. I do. I'm just apparently so lazy. The second is a story series for another friend that I started about a decade ago and have re-started and continued in random spurts since then. He is nothing but patient, this friend, as sometimes years have passed without any narrative completion at all.

I am either the world's greatest procrastinator or the world's worst laze-about. Since I would rather be the greatest than the worst, I'm going with procrastinator but it is essentially just a total lack of ability to organize my available time into some form of productive output.

I confess, pretty mortals. I have completion issues. I'm an idea person. I have ideas all the time. I'm fertile with ideas! I love diving into new projects. Oh how I love starting something based on a new idea. It's like the first bite into chocolate ice cream. So cool... so rich... so absolutely amazing. Then about half-way through the ice cream I have to admit I'm a bit tired of the constant sameness of the flavor and by the time I reach the cone I just toss it. I hate cone. This is how I am with projects as well. When it comes to editing and/or completion, it's all cone to me.

I think, were I to suddenly become the New Years Resolution Type, that I'd make 'finishing what I start' one of my resolutions. Or possibly my only resolution. (Let's not get crazy.) So forthwith (and forsooth?) I hereby state that I will finish at least one thing that I have started in the next month. I will eat a cone. (I know, I do, but really it's an analogy that works best if unquestioned.)
In Which I Review Avatar

Not really. All the best jokes have already been made and I can't in good conscience do a serious review of what I consider to be a technically brilliant but mostly empty film. Sure, Pandora was pretty. FernGully was pretty too. I will say this: If you squint and stop time during the first military briefing you can see Balthazar off to the side. And I will say this: I don't mind that Avatar has surpassed Titanic's gross earnings (and I use 'gross' the way God intended it to be used) because I didn’t much like Titanic either.

I will also say that if George Lucas now initiates a 'my penis is bigger than yours' contest with James Cameron and we, the unfortunate viewing public, are subjected to Jar-Jar Binks in a 3D pod race with Shia LaBeouf to see who can find the alien midichlorian before Greedo shoots first... well... that is simply not alright. And I will have words for Jim. (Stronger words than I already had after Titanic, I mean. I sort of blamed Titanic on Celine Dion anyway because I remember both Aliens and The Abyss and what the hell happened to that guy, huh? I kind of liked that Jim.)

January 24, 2010

In Which I Amaze Even Myself With My Powers of Procrastination.

In gaming terms I am like a Level 28 Mage with a +105 for Procrastination. My ability to procrastinate is like a magical power that I am constantly leveling up. I want to blame technology for this but really distractions only have the power to distract if you first allow them access so this, as with most everything in life that is uncomfortable to admit, is actually my own damn fault. Technology may make procrastination easier but it didn't invent the concept. To which I say, "Faugh! A pox on technology!" but I don't really mean it because I love me some well-placed gadgets.

There's a point here but you have to fish for it. With patience. And the reeling in of a lot of soggy boots from the bottom of the lake first. I don't fish, does that show? Water analogies are traditionally not my strongest.

Today I had the Whole Day Off (tm) and what did I accomplish? Nothing. To the tune of 'Basketcase' by Green Day. Well, not nothing. I got up, eventually. I drank a pot of coffee so that's something. (Yes, by myself.) I watched two episodes of 'She-Ra: Princess of Power'. (What? What?) I got sucked into the vortex of the internet. I listened to a lot of eighties music. I showered. I did a load of laundry. I have a list of things to do and it's getting to be a lengthy list but in my Whole Day Off (tm) I didn't accomplish anything on the list due to my incredible and mind-blowing powers of procrastination. You see? I'm so magical that I am able to pass an entire day without once slipping into usefulness.

Probably the worst part about it is that I've been so excruciatingly bored all day. My boredom is a like a dank bog into which I have been slowly sucked, the muddy water clawing up my chest, my will to live slipping away, my mind atrophying. Do you remember the hugely traumatic scene in The NeverEnding Story where Atreyu loses Artax? It's a little bit like that. Only less devastating. One would think if one is bored out of one's skull, one would dare to alleviate one's boredom by, I don't know, doing something. One would be wrong.

But if I've learned anything from The NeverEnding Story it's that a life immersed in fantasy is a life worth living because without your direct involvement the Empress will never have a name and all Fantasia will be consumed by The Nothing. (As a side note I would have named the Empress something better than 'Moonchild' but they never asked me. I'm just saying.) So maybe my awe-inspiring powers of procrastination actually serve another, greater, purpose. What may seem a detriment in this, the plodding real world, may in fact render me the aforementioned Level 28 Mage with +105 for Procrastination in another, less tangible world. The Nothing may slog through the actuality of my house today, claiming my horse and crushing my spirit, but in my imagination I have never wasted a single moment. I found Loo-Kee in both 'She-Ra' episodes, for starters. And I somehow still know every word to 'All For One, All For Love' from The Three Musketeers (because anything that involves Sting, Bryan Adams, and Rod Stewart together is, by definition, timeless).

I suppose procrastination is all about perspective. Sure, I'm a time waster if you're using the gauge of productivity. But let us not dismiss the value of doing nothing and doing it well.