June 3, 2009

Have you ever wanted to see a movie about this...


... or this...


... or this?


If so, you are in luck! Hollywood is going to grant your heart's desire in the coming years. A Monopoly movie! A Battleship movie! A Bazooka Joe movie!

If not, in the future the multiplex will be a place where your dreams go to die. Or a heretofore undiscovered ring of hell. Because the above movie adaptations of board games and motherfucking bubblegum comics are not funny-ha-ha ideas, they are actual ideas. As in ideas in development with real honest-to-god studio backing.

Ridley (Alien, Blade Runner, Thelma & Louise) Scott is set to direct what is presently known as Untitled Monopoly Project and he promises he will give it the same futuristic sheen as Blade Runner. *crickets* It's a board game, man. Possibly the most boring board game ever invented, depending on which version you're playing and with whom. But maybe I could envision watching a movie version of Monopoly if it starred Tilda Swinton, Sigourney Weaver, Anjelica Huston, Cate Blanchett, Bill Murray, Clive Owen, Javier Bardem, and Robert Downey Jr. and I got to be the shoe in the screening. Otherwise... I have doubts. I have such doubts! (Shameless actual good movie quote there.)

Battleship: The Movie, however, is a resounding no. No. The game was never about strategy. It was about blind dumb luck. You just randomly call out coordinates until the law of averages determines that you hit something belonging to your opponent. How does that translate into a script? Battleships without radar and, presumably, in a dense fog spiraling slowly while firing torpedoes at nothing until one of them 'senses' a hit and war is declared? Pong has more narrative. Space Invaders has more dramatic tension.

And I can't even dignify Bazooka Joe: The Movie with snark. I just... I can't... there simply isn't... *head explodes*