March 20, 2009

Today's post heavily features boredom, undercurrents of general dissent, and stream-of-consciousness. Honestly, you've been warned.

This is the color of my nails. Freakishly pink. Is it too pink? I'd rephrase that by asking "is there such a thing as too pink?" to which of course the answer would be "yes" if the pink thing in question was, for example, a Bentley (I'm looking at you, Paris Fucking Hilton) or, say, a house. But in small doses I tend to err on the side of the pinker the better. So my nails are freakishly bubblegum-meets-Pepto-Bismol pink.

I dislike pastels because pastels are soft and baby-like and really very noncommittal, as though the colors got together in a conference one time and decided not to throw their full support behind absolutely everything lest their impact ultimately be lessened.

Red: I won't do Easter. I just refuse. Overall it's just a holiday I can't get behind, especially so soon after Christmas which totally taxes me. I mean, I'm spent after Christmas. And don't forget all those dark lipstick trends. Seriously.

Pink: Well I'll take some of Easter. I mean I'm free on Saturday and after 5 most Thursdays I think. Barbie has me pretty tied up, though, to be honest. And I do a lot of baby showers so maybe if I could just phone some of this in...

Purple: My cousin will help you out. Lavender. He's sort of... flaky. Like not all there. But whatever, he'd be keen. I mean for Easter and possibly bedding design?

Orange: I'm not interested in anything except Halloween. And oranges. Fuck you all.

Yellow: I already do all the 'oh we don't fucking know if our kid will be a boy or a girl so let's get a color everybody can wear that won't assign a gender stereotype but still looks sort of infantile' baby crap and, forgive me for pointing out the fucking obvious, I've got the SUN so... I'll give you exactly five minutes of my time for anything else.

Green: I feel so ALIVE! I feel like DANCING! I'll help EVERYBODY out! Wheee!

Black: Fucking Green. Airhead. I'll take night, Halloween with Orange, and death. You all can just suck fumes if you disagree.

Blue: I do just as many baby showers as Pink and I have all sorts of eco-tourism stuff to do with Green besides. Plus I am at like every school rally ever invented with Gold so I'm gonna have to start phoning some of this in too. I can't be everywhere.

Gold: I do the Oscars. And I'm all over the monetary standard. Booya! You're all just jealous.

We know I love animals and am against animal cruelty and although sheep were not born with LED vests on and are not naturally inclined to recreate giant games of Pong on hillsides at night, I find it hard to believe this is cruel. Especially when it's so very funny.

Unrelated: I need a milkshake.

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