October 24, 2008

Step By Step:
How I'm Gonna Get To You, Girl

Step One
We can have lots of fun.

Step Two
There's so much we can do.

Step Three
It's just you and me.

Step Four
I can give you more.

Step Five
Don't you know that the time has arrived.

October 22, 2008

I feel like creating a random list.

Five Favorite Actresses Who Have Been In A Sci-Fi Film.

Ranked according to totally arbitrary notions of the importance of said actress as weighed against the importance or acclaim of said sci-fi film or films that she has been in.

5. Monica Bellucci
Monica Bellucci played Persephone in The Matrix Reloaded and The Matrix Revolutions. They sucked, yes, but Monica Bellucci! I'm tempted to include Brotherhood of the Wolf because it was sort of baffling and otherworldly but really it's a horror/mystery.

4. Anjelica Huston
"Foul!" I hear you crying out. But this is not a foul play on my part. Prior to her Oscar for Prizzi's Honor and her mind-blowing accomplishment in The Grifters and before she was ever Morticia Addams, Anjelica Huston starred in a little film called The Ice Pirates. The IMDb synopsis for The Ice Pirates says "In the far future water is the most valuable substance. ... A real Space Opera with sword fights, explosions, fighting robots, monsters, bar fights and time warps." But wait! There's a visual. AWESOME.

Also Anjelica played the evil Supreme Leader in Michael Jackson's futuristic Captain EO video/ride at Disneyland. A ride that, I believe, has since been shut down. Nonetheless, Anjelica Huston was in it. It literally boggles the mind.

3. Marg Helgenberger
Species. Also Species II. Notice I didn't specify that the sci-fi films had to be any good. Also Marg starred in The Tommyknockers which might be classified as horror since it's an adaptation of a Stephen King novel (and it's pretty horrible) but is actually about aliens and the otherworldly infiltration of a small town. (Honestly the only photo I could find of Marg from Species in which she is clothed. So every fanboy who has ever screen-capped Species only rented it for one purpose because she is clothed in 99% of the film.)

2. Sharon Stone
You don't believe me but it's true. She starred in Sphere, for starters, which was about an alien spacecraft submersed in the depths of the south Pacific ocean. But more important to sci-fi buffs, Sharon played the deceptive and Mars-hating wife of Arnold Schwarzenegger in Total Recall. "That's for making me come to Mars! You know how much I hate this fucking planet."

1. Sigourney Weaver
If I have to spell out for you what sci-fi films Sigourney Weaver has starred in, it's time to leave your cave and experience the modern world for the very first time. Her sci-fi film credits are impressive. Alien, Aliens, Alien3, Alien Resurrection, and GalaxyQuest, to start. Does Ghostbusters count? Also Avatar which hasn't been released yet. Technically The Village is not sci-fi but M. Night Shyamalan is probably from another planet so it might count. Then there's her turn as the voice of the Planet Express spaceship in Futurama and as the (deja vu) voice of the luxury spaceship Axiom's computer in WALL-E.

In conclusion, Sigourney Weaver is the first lady of sci-fi. "Jason, we are actors, not astronauts."

October 21, 2008

I'm a bit late coming to this realization but did you know that the three lead actresses in Memoirs of a Geisha are, in fact, not Japanese?

Gong Li - who played rival diva geisha Hatsumomo with exquisite abandon and sultry bitchiness - was born in Shenyang, China.

Michelle Yeoh - who played mentor geisha Mameha with all the characteristic strength and elegance we expect from her - was born in Ipoh, Malaysia.

Zhang Ziyi - who played young upstart heroine geisha Sayuri with the bland prettiness that more or less defines her for me - was born in Beijing, China.

So, to recap, a movie about geisha in Japan starred one Malaysian and two Chinese actresses. I'm not upset by the casting (except maybe in the case of Zhang Ziyi whom I can take or leave) because Gong Li is fabulously talented and absolutely stunning and Michelle Yeoh always leaves a lasting impression of power and calm but it does seem sort of... you know... AMERICAN to cast non-Japanese actresses as geisha.

And now Gong Li as Hatsumomo.
Which was really the point of the post all along.

October 20, 2008

Update, update, update. I got nothing.

Okay, that's not true. I got lots. But I don't feel like updating any of the things I should be updating so instead you get this stream-of-consciousness blather about nothing in place of an actual update.

Like it? Well shit, who cares? It's not like anybody still reads this nonsense anyway. The Crypt is full of rolling tumbleweeds and that whistling empty plains sound.

Here's an update for you: I go to the dentist tomorrow. I know, excitement.

Here's another one: I miss my dancers.

And that's all you get. 'You' being the mythical non-hordes who still frequent this abandoned graveyard.