June 7, 2008

THE U.S.S. ENTERPRISE (IS GETTING P.U.S.S.Y. TONIGHT)


Holy mother of god... I just baptized my poor keyboard with orange juice sprayed in laughter.

Lyrics are sort of NSFW... so wear headphones if you're a poor sucker with one of them quote/unquote Real Jobs.

Favorite lines include...

"Data's the android / who'll fill your void"
"Girl you've got a stardate with the Captain's log"

June 4, 2008

Your Weekly Catherine

Week Twenty-One

Your weekly Catherine was a little late in coming this week but I would never let you down.

A quick Catherine Willows family history.

Catherine is the daughter of Lily Flynn, a Vegas cocktail waitress and showgirl, and Sam Braun, a well-known and very wealthy Vegas casino mogul. (Catherine didn't find out her paternity until near the end of Season Three, however, in an episode entitled 'Inside The Box'.) Catherine, who had been an exotic dancer at the French Maid and who had a cocaine habit during her rocky marriage, was married to Eddie Willows. Eddie was unfortunately typical of the sorts of totally stable and not-at-all slimy guys Catherine tends to attract and was, among other things, the purveyor of drugs, a sometime rock band promoter, and a pilferer of money before Catherine left him and her coke habit and pursued a career as a CSI. Catherine and Eddie have one daughter, Lindsey, and it is Lindsey Willows I'll introduce you to today.

Lindsey and Eddie Willows.

Lindsey Willows, like the child of any televised single parent, especially one on either a soap or a crime procedural, is not a regular fixture on CSI but is brought in periodically to highlight the struggles Catherine faces as a single mother working the graveyard shift in a family-unfriendly city. Lindsey has not had a particularly smooth childhood (because smooth childhoods are uninteresting to watch on TV) and endured a sort of tense and never-ending tug-of-war between her divorced parents over time with her. Catherine had custody but due to her irregular and often long hours frequently needed Eddie to bail her out of picking Lindsey up from or dropping her off at school. This parental conflict ended rather tidily (in TV terms) with Eddie's demise.


In one of those intriguing CSI cases that are never properly solved due to a lack of concrete evidence, Eddie Willows was apparently shot over a drug deal gone awry in the Season Three episode 'Lady Heather's Box'. Lindsey was with Eddie and his girlfriend of the moment at the time of the shooting and when his car went off the road and into a drainage ditch after Eddie attempted to drive himself to the hospital, Lindsey became trapped in the quickly-flooding car while her dad died and the girlfriend fled the scene. Lindsey had the presence of mind to call Catherine with Eddie's phone and Catherine arrived to pull her from the submerged car just in time. But the truth behind who shot Eddie was never able to be positively established and the event took it's toll on Catherine.

Lindsey comforting Catherine after Eddie's death.

Lindsey began to have behavioral problems that were mostly mentioned in passing when a fellow CSI would inquire of Catherine how Lindsey was doing. These included fighting at school, bullying, and rebellion. At the outset of CSI Lindsey was a child but in true television style she seemed to reach teen angst rather quickly. Lindsey was arrested for hitch-hiking and in order to impress upon her daughter the dangers of such behavior, Catherine showed Lindsey the body of a young female murder victim in the morgue in the Season Five episode 'Harvest'.


The young actress who played Lindsey from Season One through to Season Six, Madison McReynolds, was then inexplicably replaced by actress Kay Panabaker just in time for Lindsey to be kidnapped in the Season Seven episode 'Built To Kill 2'. An angry former business partner of Sam Braun's (Catherine's father) kidnapped her as part of a blackmail bid. Catherine and Warrick located Lindsey and freed her but Sam Braun suffered the fallout when the perpetrator shot him dead in front of his casino. He then died in Catherine's arms.


At present Lindsey Willows remains at Butterfield Academy, the exclusive private school that Catherine enrolled her in to straighten out her behavioral problems after Eddie's death. A brief mention was made about Catherine having taken Lindsey to look at colleges but the character has not reappeared in any significant sense since the abduction. Marg Helgenberger has stated she was interested in continuing with CSI to wrap up some of Catherine's storylines and presumably Lindsey is one of those unresolved issues. Lindsey is likely to remain a distant recurring character so long as Catherine is on the show but, given the tragic ends that both Eddie and Sam Braun suffered, let's hope Catherine packs her off to a far-away college before the gods of TV drama decree that Catherine has not yet suffered enough and must also sacrifice her daughter for ratings.