December 29, 2008

RIP Robert Graham
Robert Graham 1938 - 2008
"The Venice-based artist was known for his large public projects across the United States -- in Los Angeles, he created a set of free-standing bronze doors for the Music Center, a sculpture of two headless figures at the Memorial Coliseum for the 1984 Olympics and the "Great Bronze Doors" for the Cathedral of Our Lady of the Angels."

Deepest sympathies to his wife, Anjelica Huston, whom he met in 1990 and married in 1992.
Homie did a Top 8 Movies of 2008 list and it inspired me to create a similar list (since our tastes are not always what you might call synchronous). But I'm too lazy to research every film that came out in the past year and my memory isn't really what it could be (753 years is a long time, give me a break) so I'm trying to do a list based solely on what I can remember I saw through the power of squinting. (Which I hear tell is the most scientific way to jog your memory.)

Based on five whole minutes of random recollection and half-assed critique, I now proudly present the Vampire Nomad's Top Ten Films That Didn't Suck in 2008.

Top Ten Films That Didn't Suck in 2008

10. The Dark Knight
9. 30 Days of Night
8. Iron Man
7. Be Kind Rewind
6. Wall-E
5. Mamma Mia!
4. El Orfanato
3. Choke
2. Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street
1. Shine A Light

December 24, 2008

The Advent Calendar of Amazement...
Christmas Eve and one of my favorite holiday movies.

May all YOUR Christmases be white too!

December 23, 2008

The Advent Calendar of Amazement is the gift that keeps on giving.

Jack Skellington and Christmastown wish you a very merry Christmas.

December 22, 2008

The Advent Calendar of Amazement continues.

An unmerry Addams Christmas to all!

December 20, 2008

Merry Christmas to me!

It's thematic, get it? Not only is Anjelica festive but it's a December cover done entirely in shades of red and green. See? Proof that my little fascinations, besides spreading joy to the world, also perfectly embody the spirit of Christmas.

What new delights will the next few days bring?
We can only wait and see. It's like a virtual advent calendar of amazement.

December 17, 2008

The spirit of Christmas illustrated...

Awwwwww... *melts*

Also, you know the part of 'Twas The Night Before Christmas' about the children being nestled snug in their beds while visions of sugarplums danced in their heads? If by 'sugarplum' you mean 'Catherine', that's an eerie peek into my midnight reveries.

Dear Santa,

I want to thank you for your attentiveness to detail last year. I didn't ask you specifically for anything and that is exactly what you got me. Now that's customer service right there.

This year I'm aware that I've already asked for an Addams Family pinball machine and that might be enough of an ask to negate the detailing of additional items but I'm nothing if not a hopeless dreamer. Actually, appropriately, it's dreams I wish to reference. The strawberry 'sugarplum' of my dreams? Yeah, I assume you're a mind-reader or Betazoid or something so I don't need to spell it all out for you but suffice it to say that's what I want also. In some kind of tangible physical form.

I don't know if your powers extend that far. I've never been able to accurately ascertain just how much magic versus how much FAO Schwartz mad toy-making skills have contributed to your insane longevity. It might be that you're a sort of alien/superhero hybrid with post-radioactive-exposure abilities or you might actually be one of the faerie folk. Then again, maybe you're just a cold weather loving recluse with too much time for whittling on your hands. Either way, it can't hurt to ask is what I'm saying.

So, in conclusion, if you are magic then I'd like my sugarplum (wrapped - I can handle the unwrapping myself) perched atop the Addams Family pinball machine come Christmas morning and if you're not magic, the pinball machine sans sugarplum will do nicely.

Thank you, Santa.


P.S. I've been good. You know, comparatively. Remember several decades ago when we hashed out that human-to-vampire sliding scale of goodness to ensure a fair assessment every Christmas?

December 12, 2008


This is my new thing. Advice. Get it? +(add) and VICE? I know, awesome. Anyway.

If any of you pretty mortals want to take advantage of my 753 years of undead experience, now is the time. I'm trying out a new feature where you can unload any and all of your burning questions - no subject is taboo - and I will attempt to answer them. So bite me with them if you're bold or ask me for an email address if you prefer anonymity. I'll post both questions and answers (hoping I get any) later on in the month.

IMPORTANT NOTES (YE OLDE DISCLAIMER): I am not a trained psychologist or doctor or even pet psychic. I do not promise to have the right answers, only honest ones. My opinions are my own and are not universally endorsed by vampires everywhere. Also I'm undead, not a deity. And any subject really is fine with me. Pop culture to sex to drugs to science (though that's my weak point) to movies to girls to food to the 17th century... whatever.

December 10, 2008

Things from the internet that are awesome, part two...

December 8, 2008

Things from the internet that are awesome, part one...

December 7, 2008

Day Four of Wisdom Teeth Surgery Recovery Week

Films watched since Day Two...
And the Band Played On...
This is Spinal Tap

CSI S9 E4 "Let It Bleed"
CSI S6 E23 "Bang Bang"
Michael Clayton

Current status...

Still unswollen, off the codeine, finished the antibiotics... *knocks on wood*... pain-free and getting bored. Going back to work.

Diet update...

Still mostly liquids and soft foods.
Had no idea ice cream could actually become dull.
Crave vege burgers, crackers, cookies, Dr. Pepper, and almonds.

December 4, 2008

Day Two of Wisdom Teeth Surgery Recovery Week

Films watched so far...
Iron Jawed Angels
The TV Set
The Witches
Agnes Browne
The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou

Current status...
As yet unswollen, full of codeine and antibiotics, mostly pain-free, pleasantly optimistic.

Diet update...
Liquid only (expanded to melted cheese in soup).
Consumed an entire tub of espresso gelato with a friend this afternoon.

December 1, 2008

The Only Two Trek Parodies You Need:


"Damn, this is what I was wearing last time he attacked!"

November 27, 2008

It has come to my attention that it might be Thanksgiving in America. Thanksgiving is traditionally a non-event in my life - being Canadian by birth and therefore not prone to histrionic fits of bombastic national pride or irrationally forced gratitude for turkey and possibly parades - but that's not to say that I'm not in line with being thankful for things. It's important to recognize the things in life that make it bearable and even wonderful. That said, here are the top five things I'm thankful for at this very moment.

5. Coffee.
Self-explanatory, that. I wouldn't be able to pull a list like this together without coffee and that in itself says something profound.
4. Cats.
They're like fluffy scratchy bits of heaven. I indulged in kitty therapy just the other day, in fact. This neighborhood is the bomb for kitty therapy. It's like owning a giant cattery without the expense or hairballs.
3. Anjelica Huston.

I'm always grateful for Anjelica Huston. Today I'm specifically grateful for the fact that she - via her entire filmography - will be getting me through the dull ache of recovering from my wisdom teeth removal surgery next week. Also I'm grateful that she's awesome. I know this, don't argue.

2. Lipgloss.

Wait, let me re-apply. *smack* Yeah, that's the shit. Mmmmmmmm... lipcrack. Loves it. What was I saying?

1. Balthazar.

He is the definition of awesome. In keeping with the tradition of semi-anonymity that The Crypt sometimes upholds, I will post a theoretical photo of Balthazar the Wonderful instead of an actual one. If I truly posted a photo of his awesomeness, the internet would implode. Also it's impossible to capture the real essence of inner awesomeness on film... or even digitally really.

November 24, 2008

It's happening. Believe it.

P.S. Torch, you win. I totally dropped the Weekly Catherine ball. But it doesn't mean I'll stop talking about her. I'll just stop labeling it.

November 21, 2008

For the record, Twilight, only drinking the blood of animals does not make a vampire 'vegetarian'.

It makes him lame.

In order to be vegetarian a vampire would have to drink the blood of vegetables. And that would make him Bunnicula, not a die-hard romantic.

To quote your beloved tween demographic, "Srsly, WTF?"

November 18, 2008

Star Trek. The final frontier.

I should have known that killjoy chaos-loving director J.J. Abrams would want to leave his mark smeared across the face of an established canon sooner or later. I just didn't expect that canon to be Trek. After all, in Abrams' own words, Star Trek "was never my thing".

The reasons for rolling my eyes at and making a note to studiously avoid the upcoming Trek reboot are myriad and I've refrained from commenting until this point because I was reserving judgment. But now with the trailer, cast list, and promo photos swarming the internet its very difficult to maintain neutrality. So I'm coming out on the side of Intense Dislike. Here's a paint by numbers portrait of why:

1. The cast. Taken individually perhaps I could get behind any or even some of the casting choices. After all I love Simon Pegg and Karl Urban isn't exactly hard on the eyes. But each casting choice seems less like a careful character decision and more like filling a slot on the 18 to 25 Demographic Checklist. I presume the casting think-tank went like this...
"Let's make sure this Trek hits all the marks with the target audience, okay?"
"You mean let's get all the original cast back so the Trekkies are happy?"
"No. SHIT no. Fuck them. We want to make the 18 to 25s cream their pants."
"Um... okay. Is that the specific target demographic for a reboot of the original Star Trek, though? I mean..."
"Yes. And you know what kids like?"
"Um, not Star Trek?"
"Exactly. So we need someone from Lord of the Rings and someone from a zombie movie, preferably a British dude, and definitely someone from Heroes and... are you writing this down?"
"Right. Right, yes. Lord of the Rings, zombies, Heroes..."
"And someone from the Gen X heyday, you know a cool chick with back-in-the-day cred. Winona Ryder. Also a black dude. Tyler Perry is popular, right? And somebody who's done a Lindsay Lohan movie and the guy from Harold and Kumar."

2. They're all so... YOUNG. Setting aside my tendency to shake my fist at 'kids these days' and their on-my-lawn antics, the cast is so young it makes one wonder how they blew through the previously rigorous Starfleet Academy training in a mere year or two. The main bridge crew gives the ship the appearance of a The Hills: Post Academy special. I get it, it's a prequel, they're younger, but they also need to be credible. Is it credible that a wanton bunch of twentysomethings would be given a command together?

3. All the sex. I may be aging but I'm not a prude. I love sex scenes. Bring on the X rating! But it seems incongruous in a Trek movie. If this is the sole reason for updating it - to actually show in glorious jerk-cut editing all the things Kirk did to the revolving door of alien babes through his quarters - then it's lacking. I can think of things I'd rather see. Like all the babes (3) Picard brought into his quarters...

4. The lack of visible attachment to well-known and, by this stage, almost legendary canon. You need not be a die-hard Trekkie to understand that the basic tenet of Vulcans is that they employ the use of logic over emotions. In the trailer alone there are enough WTF moments to discourage even a lesser fan. Spock provoked into punching Kirk through taunting. Kirk having a fixation on old cars and bikes in 23rd century Iowa. Alien space babes in push-up bras. And the weird Millennium Falcon feel to the ship. Everyone knows that Starfleet ships have always been pristine, alien babes wear no visible form of support, Spock doesn't resort to punching when teased or Bones would have sported a lot more shiners, and Kirk was into equestrian activities not gearhead ones.

5. The director of Lost. This will either be a pro or a con depending on your views on Lost. I personally think Lost has become a clusterfuck of indecipherable chaos loosely narrated from within an egoist's self-important mythos. Feel free to disagree but one thing Trek has never been is either intrinsically chaotic or deliberately misleading. The Roddenberry vision of Trek was about a utopian future in which humanity had set aside their differences to unite under the common banner of exploration and self-betterment within a larger galaxy. Does that sound like the basic J.J. Abrams tenet to you?

I can't bear to post photos of the cast so you'll just have to search them out yourselves if you're interested. It's well-known that my Trek geek credentials do not extend past The Next Generation but I've borne Deep Space Nine and Voyager with little fuss because though I disliked them I could see that they were at least still valid explorations of the Star Trek premise. I drew the line at Enterprise because honestly I expected Scott Bakula to quantum leap into another body at the end of every episode and because prequels are not my favorite things. But this Trek is too much. Its taking the beaten dead horse, standing its rigid corpse up at the fence again, then shooting it down and kicking it into unrecognizable pulp just because it's still there. Paramount, get a new franchise. I'm sorry to say it but Trek is done. And this Star Trek: Lost in the Fast and Furious Hills reboot is just offending every one of my senses.

It will probably make a fucking fortune at the box office.
But that doesn't mean it will be good.

November 13, 2008

Christmas Wish List 2008

Item #1
The Addams Family Pinball Machine

The Visual:

The Fun Facts:
* The Addams Family is the best selling pinball machine of all time with 20,270 units sold. Not one of which I own.
* It features quotes from the movie as well as quotes unique to the game, all specially recorded by Raul 'Gomez' Julia and Anjelica 'Morticia' Huston.
* It features something called 'the power' which is an electromagnetic field beneath the middle of the board that wreaks havoc with ball play at random intervals and during multi-ball specials.
* There's also Thing who emerges from inside a box to steal the ball when you shoot near it.

The Nostalgia:
In the lazy, hazy days of 1992 I was a carefree student. A year away from graduation, I was in senior high and the world was my proverbial oyster. I knew nothing of the hardships of life really. Everything was peaches and cream and kittens and rainbows and skipping through clover and... Addams Family pinball. Ah, the hours spent at the local Macs convenience store with my best friend feeding quarters into Addams Family pinball to open the bookcase by spelling G-R-E-E-D or to hear Morticia moan 'Gomez' just one more time. The long drive out to Richmond listening to St. Elmo's Fire on my other friend's car stereo, drinking Crystal Pepsi, heading for the arcade with Addams Family pinball so we could aim for the elusive train wreck or shoot our way to a Mamushka. The Addams Family pinball featured prominently into those idyllic days before the weight of the world hit my shoulders and I realized life wouldn't always be, to quote Fester, "a romp in a graveyard". Also, it's a damn fine game. A damn fine game.

The Want:
... is all-consuming. Since the time I learned that regular people (read: not just skeevy arcade owners) could own pinball machines in their very own homes, I have wanted an Addams Family pinball machine. This is second only to my desire to live in a replica Addams Family mansion. But as this list is for Christmas 2008 I need to be practical. It is unlikely that I or anybody near and dear to me would be able to afford a whole mansion by December 25th. I have skillfully transferred my longing to the infinitely more affordable (by comparison) Addams Family pinball machine.

The Parting Shot:

November 7, 2008

Born Vera von Lehndorff-Steinort she is better known as Veruschka and was a pivotal and popular supermodel, artist, and actress in the 60s and 70s. These fabulous images of her appearing to disintegrate into solid surroundings are a result of her collaboration with artist Holger Trulzsch. Utilizing body paint the two worked to alter the perceptions of photography, art, and beauty, fusing their visions and creating unforgettable and at times unsettling images. The complete series - in some of the photos Veruschka mimics Marilyn Monroe or Rita Hayworth, in some she is transformed into a stone or statue, and in still others she melts into grim walls - can be found in the book Veruschka: Transfigurations.

November 5, 2008

Excerpted from an email I sent my friend while attempting to study the NZ Road Code to obtain a driver's license...

"Isn't it amazing what lengths I'll go to in avoiding study of the Road Code? Maybe if I made a soundtrack for the Road Code I'd fare better. Or perhaps if I could turn the Road Code into a gripping CSI episode regaling me with facts about safe driving whilst solving a hit-and-run murder in blue-lit labs with Catherine-heavy dialogue. I don't know, but I had this same problem in math class way back when. If they'd only found a way to set trigonometry to a Disney score or possibly worked fractals into the Jem theme song I'd have been alright. As it stands I don't even know my 8 times table."

Sad how much this explains about me, really.

November 4, 2008

Thank you, America.
It's about time.

Because I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one who is very tired of the Lobotomized Muppet.

November 2, 2008

It's my birthday and I'll slay if I want to.

I'm 753 today*. To celebrate, these are a few of my favorite things...


The Addams Family.

Anjelica Huston.


Jem (okay, and the Holograms).


Bonaventure Cemetery in Savannah, GA.


*Note, because you mortals have yet to figure out how to dwell in the same day at the same time, 'today' is relative. In NZ 'today' is November 3rd, my 753rd birthday.

October 29, 2008

Behold! I have created a quiz.

This is where I see how much you've actually been paying attention to all my "Anjelica Huston is a goddamn amazing actress so go watch her movies already" chatter. Test your Anjelica Huston movie quote knowledge with this DEFINITIVE and CUTTING EDGE quiz.

Okay yes, I have too much time on my hands. Still. Play with me.

October 28, 2008

Poe, Empress of The Crypt.

Currently holding court in Torch's domain.

There's nothing better than a cat.

Alright, possibly the only thing better than a cat is Gina Gershon with a cat.
Gina and her cat Cleo.

October 27, 2008

Found on under the curious heading of 'People China':

"Gong Li and John Cusack were caught feeding each other when having meal together in Bangkok. They behaved like lovers."

"Before they were caught meeting each other at midnight. It was reported that Cusack always accompanys her when Gong Li goes out for film."

Just so we're clear, John Cusack:

And this guy:

So..., you might want to re-assign your photo editor.

October 24, 2008

Step By Step:
How I'm Gonna Get To You, Girl

Step One
We can have lots of fun.

Step Two
There's so much we can do.

Step Three
It's just you and me.

Step Four
I can give you more.

Step Five
Don't you know that the time has arrived.

October 22, 2008

I feel like creating a random list.

Five Favorite Actresses Who Have Been In A Sci-Fi Film.

Ranked according to totally arbitrary notions of the importance of said actress as weighed against the importance or acclaim of said sci-fi film or films that she has been in.

5. Monica Bellucci
Monica Bellucci played Persephone in The Matrix Reloaded and The Matrix Revolutions. They sucked, yes, but Monica Bellucci! I'm tempted to include Brotherhood of the Wolf because it was sort of baffling and otherworldly but really it's a horror/mystery.

4. Anjelica Huston
"Foul!" I hear you crying out. But this is not a foul play on my part. Prior to her Oscar for Prizzi's Honor and her mind-blowing accomplishment in The Grifters and before she was ever Morticia Addams, Anjelica Huston starred in a little film called The Ice Pirates. The IMDb synopsis for The Ice Pirates says "In the far future water is the most valuable substance. ... A real Space Opera with sword fights, explosions, fighting robots, monsters, bar fights and time warps." But wait! There's a visual. AWESOME.

Also Anjelica played the evil Supreme Leader in Michael Jackson's futuristic Captain EO video/ride at Disneyland. A ride that, I believe, has since been shut down. Nonetheless, Anjelica Huston was in it. It literally boggles the mind.

3. Marg Helgenberger
Species. Also Species II. Notice I didn't specify that the sci-fi films had to be any good. Also Marg starred in The Tommyknockers which might be classified as horror since it's an adaptation of a Stephen King novel (and it's pretty horrible) but is actually about aliens and the otherworldly infiltration of a small town. (Honestly the only photo I could find of Marg from Species in which she is clothed. So every fanboy who has ever screen-capped Species only rented it for one purpose because she is clothed in 99% of the film.)

2. Sharon Stone
You don't believe me but it's true. She starred in Sphere, for starters, which was about an alien spacecraft submersed in the depths of the south Pacific ocean. But more important to sci-fi buffs, Sharon played the deceptive and Mars-hating wife of Arnold Schwarzenegger in Total Recall. "That's for making me come to Mars! You know how much I hate this fucking planet."

1. Sigourney Weaver
If I have to spell out for you what sci-fi films Sigourney Weaver has starred in, it's time to leave your cave and experience the modern world for the very first time. Her sci-fi film credits are impressive. Alien, Aliens, Alien3, Alien Resurrection, and GalaxyQuest, to start. Does Ghostbusters count? Also Avatar which hasn't been released yet. Technically The Village is not sci-fi but M. Night Shyamalan is probably from another planet so it might count. Then there's her turn as the voice of the Planet Express spaceship in Futurama and as the (deja vu) voice of the luxury spaceship Axiom's computer in WALL-E.

In conclusion, Sigourney Weaver is the first lady of sci-fi. "Jason, we are actors, not astronauts."

October 21, 2008

I'm a bit late coming to this realization but did you know that the three lead actresses in Memoirs of a Geisha are, in fact, not Japanese?

Gong Li - who played rival diva geisha Hatsumomo with exquisite abandon and sultry bitchiness - was born in Shenyang, China.

Michelle Yeoh - who played mentor geisha Mameha with all the characteristic strength and elegance we expect from her - was born in Ipoh, Malaysia.

Zhang Ziyi - who played young upstart heroine geisha Sayuri with the bland prettiness that more or less defines her for me - was born in Beijing, China.

So, to recap, a movie about geisha in Japan starred one Malaysian and two Chinese actresses. I'm not upset by the casting (except maybe in the case of Zhang Ziyi whom I can take or leave) because Gong Li is fabulously talented and absolutely stunning and Michelle Yeoh always leaves a lasting impression of power and calm but it does seem sort of... you know... AMERICAN to cast non-Japanese actresses as geisha.

And now Gong Li as Hatsumomo.
Which was really the point of the post all along.

October 20, 2008

Update, update, update. I got nothing.

Okay, that's not true. I got lots. But I don't feel like updating any of the things I should be updating so instead you get this stream-of-consciousness blather about nothing in place of an actual update.

Like it? Well shit, who cares? It's not like anybody still reads this nonsense anyway. The Crypt is full of rolling tumbleweeds and that whistling empty plains sound.

Here's an update for you: I go to the dentist tomorrow. I know, excitement.

Here's another one: I miss my dancers.

And that's all you get. 'You' being the mythical non-hordes who still frequent this abandoned graveyard.

October 3, 2008

September 27, 2008

I'm back from tour (the "real job") and damned if I haven't come down with another round of the Hyperbolic Cold. Longer-lasting, meaner, and more feverish than a regular cold but not quite an adult flu. I seem to come down with some rampaging bronchial-related illness every time a job finishes these days and I am starting to feel sickly or like the sort of continual invalid that Louisa May Alcott might have written about. In my youth I was never sick, never. We had constitutions of steel. But now in my adult years, quite possibly the prime ones of my life, I am a coughing fluid-filled mess approximately 50% of the time which makes me wonder if I wasted all my best healthy years going to fucking SCHOOL and am now doomed to slog through my adulthood nursing some sort of perpetual viral hangover that renders me mostly listless and unpretty more of the time than not? I just wish somebody had memo-ed me in my youth if this is the case. I would have spent a lot more time - a LOT more time - cutting class, kissing boys, and draining the lifeblood of virgins if I had known.

September 5, 2008

Your Weekly Catherine

Week Thirty-Four

My 'real' job (read: the one that pays me and doesn't involve either drinking blood or talking incessantly about Catherine) has taken me on tour and out of internet reach for the past week. I will stay on tour until October. But the level of my dedication to both Catherine and my resolution to indirectly annoy the hell out of Torch is such that come hell or high water I will find a way to keep these weekly updates going. If I only get five minutes of internet contact a week in far-flung little towns between fourteen hour pack in days, SO HELP ME GOD I WILL USE THEM TO TALK ABOUT CATHERINE.

No photos. You'll just have to scroll down or click on the Your Weekly Catherine label to view her glory in posts past.

No new info. I'm fresh out of Marg news. I told you, my 'real' job has me mostly out of internet reach.

But dammit, nothing can keep me from imparting sweet gems of Catherine goodness to you. For example, did you know that lab rat Henry finds Catherine's presence nerve-wracking? True story. And bragging rights to you if you can name the episode where Cat tells a fidgety Henry that he "can relax now" after he's given her the information she requested.

By the way, the answer to last week's pop quiz will appear next week. That gives all you slacker lurky-loos who refuse to comment or play my fucking games time to bite me. Literally. Is Michelle the only one who cares any more?

August 28, 2008

Your Weekly Catherine

Week Thirty-Three

"Pop quiz, hotshot. There's a bomb on a bus. Once the bus goes 50 miles an hour, the bomb is armed. If it drops below 50, it blows up. What do you do? What do you do?"

That quote has nothing to do with Catherine except that I typed 'pop quiz' and didn't stop. I bet I could come up with a bus-related Catherine question, though. Okay, imagine Dennis Hopper reading the following...

Which CSI episode featured a bus crash? And what took Catherine by surprise at the crash site?

Now for a totally unrelated photo of Marg looking foxy...

August 27, 2008

Two of my favorite things in one compelling video...

Anjelica Huston and Preventing Animal Cruelty.

Great apes, like all wild animals, need room to roam and the freedom to socialize in their natural habitats. They are not born actors, they are animals. They should never be paraded around onstage or forcibly prodded to perform on cue. I take great issue with all the Vegas acts that use tigers and lions and I take no less issue with the films that use animals like chimps and then discard them once the performance is over. Great apes are not props. They are free and wild creatures that deserve our respect and protection. Aside from the fact that Anjelica Huston is telling you not to use them in show business anymore (LISTEN TO HER), isn't it reasonable to assume that if CGI technology can realistically give us bullet time, fell beasts, and oliphant battles it can also render a pretty damn realistic chimp on demand? Is rendering a balrog so much more complex than something we actually have on the planet to observe for accuracy?

People, listen, give the planet and the animals a goddamn break here. There's nothing about our survival that requires ivory, actual tiger balm, or apes in films. If we abandon the practice of exploiting animals we not only will survive - and quite happily - but we won't constantly be digressing into ethically questionable behavior. You know what they say about serial killers: they usually start with animals. I think it's a global phenomenon. It's time to stop being such colossal dicks just because we have opposable thumbs and digital technology. Despite all our sci-fi evidence to the contrary we only actually have one planet. We might want to stop raping and pillaging it like wanton Vikings and think farther ahead than next week.

If dolphins do one day rise up and take control of the land like in that Simpsons Halloween episode, we will surely deserve our oceanic banishment. We will have earned it through millions of episodes of Flipper and hundreds of millions of hours of Sea World hoop jumping, I tell you. I really think that we can only truly start caring about each other when we start caring about the planet and animals. Abuse is a slippery slope. If you can devalue wildlife, how far are you from devaluing a person?

If you want me to stop ranting about these things, stand up and make a difference! Be heard! Adopt an SPCA pet! Refuse to rent chimp movies! Don't use tiger balm! Write your congressman! Take the bus! Cold wash your clothes!

I'll stop, but only because I want you to watch Anjelica's video about the realities of great ape abuse in show business. She doesn't devolve into ambling rants like the lunatic vampire I sometimes become. She's an eloquent and powerful speaker. So watch it. And do what she says.

August 22, 2008

Not the elephants too!

What can one person do to stand in the way of the illegal poaching of endangered species for their body parts? I know it seems daunting but think about this: if the demand for the ivory or tiger bone or bear gall disappeared, so would the market for selling those parts. And the killing would stop. If we as a collective species stopped decorating with ivory and turning a blind eye to 'traditional medicines' that contain tiger parts then we would make a serious dent in the profitability of killing them. So who's with me? I, for one, vow to never use a single product that contains anything from a tiger or a bear. And I will never wear, decorate with, or purchase ivory. Now who is willing to stand up with me and, in their own small but powerful way, make the same statement?

August 19, 2008

Your Weekly Catherine

Week Thirty-Two

Did you know...

Catherine was sixteen the year JAWS hit theatres.

She's critical of horror movies because she says they never get the blood spatter right.

Catherine's father Sam Braun's nickname for her was 'Mugs'.

And Gary (Warrick) Dourdan's nickname for Marg was 'Margalicious'.