January 4, 2008

During the 2006/2007 transition period I made the following post:

"One of these past years I started my semi-annual tradition of making resolutions I intend to break because I inevitably break all resolutions whether I want to or not. I'm not good with rules and motivational guidelines. But saying "I don't believe in resolutions, I believe in living every day to its fullest" sounds like total bull regardless of how true it may be. Hence, the Made-To-Break Resolution.

This year's MTB Resolutions are as follows:

1. I will spend less time thinking about Sharon Stone.
2. I won't show photo albums of my cat to everybody I meet.
3. I will totally participate in a triathlon!
4. Running for office without citizenship? Simple. Watch me.
5. Yeah, yeah, less chocolate, blah, blah."

I'm rather proud to announce that I definitely broke every one of those MTB resolutions. I thought a lot about Sharon Stone. I showed pictures of my cat to everybody, even strangers. I did not participate in any triathlons or even biathlons, and tried to avoid running altogether. Which includes running for office. I think I might have chocolate instead of blood in my veins. NO! I'm a vampire. That was just a joke. I totally have blood in my veins and precious little else. Except chocolate.

So this year, what MTB resolutions will I make? 2008 is well upon us and I might have already been merrily breaking resolutions without knowing it! I need to get organized. Ooooh! That's a good one.

Made To Break Resolutions v. 2008

1. I will get organized.

We're off to a roaring start. Just this morning I couldn't find the Christmas cheque I had deliberately put 'in a safe place' until the banks re-opened. I tore apart the flat until I finally found it. In the first place I'd looked but one page over. Organization, thy name is VampireNomad.

2. I will spend less time watching CSI.
3. I will get 'a real job'.
4. I will take up boxing.
5. I will stop feeding random neighborhood cats as if they were my own.

I think it's safe to say I will again realize total success in not reaching my stated goals. Which is to say that I will break every one of these resolutions. And at least three of them before bed.

January 2, 2008

It's a brand new year and what better way to start than with a cautionary tale about names for those of you looking to start or expand your families in 2008.

Celebrities, for godsakes, this fully includes you. You might find these names funny while under the influence of whatever drugs get you through your days but your kids have to go to school with these tags. For reasons of enlightenment and to warn you of the pitfalls of not ever setting foot outside the fishbowl of Hollywood ego, I present a list of celebrity baby names to avoid one-upping. (The famous parent or parents who should have known better are in brackets.)

Apple and Moses
(Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin)

Rocket, Racer, Rebel, Rogue, and Rhiannon
(Robert Rodriguez)

Audio Science
(Shannyn Sossamon)

Pilot Inspektor
(Jason Lee)

Moon Unit, Diva Muffin, Dweezil, and Ahmet Emuukha Rodin
(Frank Zappa)

Denim and Diezel
(Toni Braxton)

Rumer, Scout, and Tallulah Belle
(Bruce Willis and Demi Moore)

Fifi Trixibelle, Peaches Honeyblossom, and Little Pixie
(Bob Geldof and Paula Yates)

Heavenly Hiraani Tiger Lily
(Michael Hutchence and Paula Yates)

Moxie CrimeFighter
(Penn Jillette)

Kal-El
(Nicolas Cage)

Coco
(Courteney Cox and David Arquette)

Jermajesty
(Jermaine Jackson)

Memphis Eve and Elijah Bob
(Bono)

Prince Michael, Paris Michael, and Prince Michael II/Blanket
(Michael Jackson)

Harley Quinn
(Kevin Smith)

Bluebell Madonna
(Geri Halliwell)

Zowie
(David Bowie)

River Jude, Rainbow Joan of Arc, Joaquin Rafael, Libertad Mariposa, and Summer Joy
(the Phoenix children)

George Junior, George III, George IV, George V, George VI, Freeda George, and Georgetta
(George Foreman)

Non-celebrities, take heed. 'Regular' folks are just as prone to insanity in the baby name department so make sure you write down whatever name comes to you in a dream and have a sober friend check it in the broad light of day before committing it to legal registry. (And keep in mind these are names given at birth, not ones changed after the fact by adults who should know better than to legally become 'Optimus Prime' or 'Dot Com'.)

Eros-Adonis
(Belgian child name)

Joker Arroyo
(Philippine senator)

Jesus Christ Allin
(punk rock singer)

Matrix
(Estonian child named after the movie)

Canaan Banana
(first president of Zimbabwe)

Depressed Cupboard Cheesecake
(Kent, England child name)

God Shammgod
(American basketball player)

Loser Lane
(NYPD sergeant)

Ransom Love
(former CEO of Caldera)

Wonderful Terrific Monds III
(Atlanta Braves baseball player)

Dick Assman
(Canadian service station owner)

Ima Hogg
(daughter of Governor of Texas James Stephen Hogg)

Seymour Cocks
(British politician)

I know it's not right to have favorites because it tends to promote the insanity that is baby naming right now, but 'Jermajesty' really does crack me up. JERMAJESTY!

And of course I have to question the logic of naming all five of your sons 'George'. A name is supposed to differentiate one from another. You know, give an identity, set them apart, uniquely label them so as to make life easier in the formative stages when you do a lot of yelling at them to not touch the electrical outlets or stove elements. That sort of thing. Naming all your kids the same damn thing trumps even Michael Jackson in madness. Not the kind of heavyweight title I think one should ultimately be famous for.

Also, seriously, 'Depressed Cupboard Cheesecake'? Is there no law? Can the government agency responsible for registering births not veto retarded names?

Let this be a warning to all you would-be or soon-to-be parents. Just remember that long after the hilarity of seeing the name in print on the birth certificate has passed, that poor child will still be getting their ass handed to them on playgrounds. Just, you know, something to think about. Not that I'm one to talk. I don't want children but if I ever had them I could fully see myself naming them 'Vampyre Blood' or 'Crayon Ponyfish' or 'CSI' or something.