June 5, 2007

I imagine the think-tank for Pirates of the Caribbean 3: At World's End went something like this:

Writer 1: Okay, so we've got some ground to cover with this one.
Writer 2: Do we? What exactly happened in 2?
Writer 11: I didn't see 2. Will that matter?
Writer 1: You helped write 2.
Writer 11: I wrote the title.
Writer 7: I didn't see 2 either. Or 1, actually.
Writer 8: I don't think it will matter. I see these films as 'stand alone works of art'. Each one can be taken individually or as part of a greater whole.
Writer 4: I thought we were writing Pirates of the Caribbean...
Writer 12: I thought this was the think tank for Transformers...
Writer 3: I saw Cutthroat Island... just, you know, if that helps...
Writer 2: Well I saw 2 and I don't get it. I'm not afraid to call it intellectual. It was challenging.
Writer 9: It wasn't challenging, it was a middle movie. It was a journey film.
Writer 11: Somebody told me there were cannibals in it. Really? Cannibals?
Writer 7: Cannibals? Really?
Writer 8: I see the cannibals as either a piece of a dramatic whole or as individual philosophical statements on greed.
Writer 4: This is PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN, right?

At which point several Buena Vista head honchos step into the room.

BV Honcho 1: Look, we need a script. We're already, what...?
BV Honcho 3: Two weeks in.
BV Honcho 1: Right, two weeks into filming. And the actors are getting dicey... you know, shitty... they want pages and such.
BV Honcho 2: So you all need to come up with something.

All twelve writers start talking at once and are silenced by BV Honcho 1 holding up his hands.

BV Honcho 1: There are two things to consider before we go any further. First...
BV Honcho 3: We have Johnny Depp.
BV Honcho 2: Johnny. Motherfucking. Depp.
BV Honcho 1: Exactly. And secondly...
BV Honcho 3: We have this.

BV Honcho 3 opens a door to a large room stuffed with money. Money from floor to ceiling. $1000 notes even, just tons and heaps of money.

BV Honcho 2: So logic and, you know, finance and... whatever... are not a concern.
BV Honcho 1: Not at all! You just need to throw all that shit out the window. Let your imaginations go mad!
BV Honcho 3: MAD! Just let the juices flow.
BV Honcho 2: Right, let them flow.
BV Honcho 1: Here's what we'll do. Keeping in mind the two key points we've just stressed, each one of you will write down your top three favorite plot ideas and... yes, Writer 7?
Writer 7: I haven't seen either of the first two films. Just... as a side note. If it matters...
BV Honcho 2: It doesn't matter.
BV Honcho 3: Doesn't matter.
BV Honcho 1: Just write down the top three things you'd like to see happen in a pirate movie, no holds barred. Then we'll put each of your top three ideas into a big hat.
He produces a giant mouse eared cap
We'll pull out twenty ideas totally at random. Could be anybody's. And those twenty ideas will be the plot.

And... yeah. I'm right, aren't I? I am.