March 30, 2007

What an absolutely stunning, ass-kicking movie!

300 is the visual realization of testosterone. If you've ever wondered what the hormonal essence of man actually looks like, it looks like this. It looks like slick porn, smoke-encircled oracle breasts, hyper-stylized violence, so many 6-pack abs I felt drunk, slow motion battle montages with flying limbs and spattering blood, and bad guys with elephants. Also David Wenham looking... uh... not at all like Faramir, let's say. Fuck it's a cool movie! It's not a perfect movie but it's so ferociously stylish that imperfections are allowed. Somewhere in Hollywood, Brad Pitt and Orlando Bloom are sniveling into their pillows wishing their swishy rendering of Troy had been more like 300.

Persian Officer: Fools! Our arrows will blot out the sun.
Stelios: Then we will fight in the shade!

March 27, 2007

More Trek: Alien musings. I'm like a pitbull with this thing. Teeth sunk in, jaw locked.

While examining the evolutionary history of Klingons in more depth, a funny thing happened. I discovered that Klingons may actually be the only species ever encountered who progress in order to regress. Allow me to illustrate this because pictures make everything prove-able.

Klingons circa Indeterminate Klingon Prehistoric Era:

Klingons circa The Original Series:

And Klingons circa The Next Generation:

Huh. Klingon DNA doesn't seem particularly stable. It is entirely possible, given the timeline, degree of tan, depth of ridges, and cultivation of villainous goatee, that Klingons at some stage actually evolved into the Predator and then back out again. Which could explain Alien Vs. Predator. Alternately, it is entirely plausible to assume that at some stage in the Klingon evolutionary/devolutionary process Klingons actually incubated in organic humanoid hosts. Not unlike Aliens. Only unlike Aliens they developed an addiction to theories of honor and a love of violent sex which ultimately degenerated the purity of the instinct-laden Alien DNA into a sort of human-esque offshoot with genetic instability inbred into the code.

I'm not a scientist, as I've stated, so these are just working theories at present. It is equally fair to assume that Klingons became plastic surgery addicts in reverse. "Make me lined and fearsome!" Not that far from what Joan Rivers is about to become, actually.

There was some suggestion in the bites following the original Alien post (I'll refrain from naming names *coughRUSTYcough*) that perhaps an Alien in the Trekiverse could allow Deanna, empath extraordinaire, a chance to understand the Alien mindset and motivation to kill. A way to explore the Alien backstory, I believe is how it was worded. At the risk of sounding harsh, you'd have a better chance at backstory by having Ripley slip a mood ring onto the tail of the Alien Queen than of Deanna providing any sort of useful information about anything. "They seem intent on breeding, Captain." "They cause great terror amongst the crew, Captain." "I sense murderous intent, Captain." "THE PAIN! THE PAIN!" If the Alien didn't get her, Ripley would.

Further thoughts...

If Worf evolved from a Predator (with an evolutionary stop at 'George Hamilton with a Goatee' along the way), did the Aliens evolve from cats? If you put Aliens into the Trekiverse, I'm afraid this is the sad conclusion that would be drawn. Since nobody on the Enterprise (or anywhere else in the Federated universe for that matter) would have a chance in hell of defeating the Aliens, my money is on the script writers coming up with some lame technobabble out involving the "Genesis" episode. I can hear the think-tank now:

Writer 1: We're fucked! This movie is only going to be twenty minutes long. That's as long as we can realistically drag out the deaths. Even with the music montage.

Writer 3: Thirty with Ripley.

Writer 2: Yeah, I love the scene with her escaping the Enterprise on the derelict Borg cube. Genius!

Writer 1: But still clocking in at only 32:10 with credits! It's no good.

Writer 3: Maybe the Borg could assimilate the Alien?

Writer 1: No good. The crew would still die. It'd be Wolf 359 all over again. Only bloodier.

Writer 2: Man do we need a loophole.

Writer 3: Wait a minute... remember "Genesis"?

Writers 1 & 2: Worf as the Predator! *they high-five*

Writer 3: Well if Worf devolves into the Predator, he could kick the Alien's ass!

Writer 2: YEAH!

Writer 1: No good. AVP was already done.

Writer 2: Awww, damn!

Writer 3: Wait, what if the Alien devolves too? At the same time as Worf?

Writer 1: What would the Alien become?

Writer 3: Spot the cat became an iguana...

Writers 1 & 2: CHOICE! *they high-five*

Writer 1: Predator eats the iguanas...

Writer 3: ... the crew are re-evolved for the climactic battle with the Borg...

Writer 2: ... and Deanna and Ripley get it on!

Writers 1 & 3: WTF?

Writer 2: No, my bad. Totally. I mean Ripley kills the Borg and blows up the iguana home planet.

Writer 1: I love it. When can we start shooting?

Actually that would make a great parody. Is Jonathan Frakes still looking to do a Next Gen spoof? Have I got some script ideas for him...

March 25, 2007

Gotthammer, Rusty and I all seem to share the opinion that an Alien in the Trekiverse would seriously fuck things up beyond all recognition. As intrepid as the staunchly moral and disciplined Enterprise-D/E crew are, they've simply never faced anything as downright vicious and apparently unredeemable as the Alien.

I sincerely doubt that one of Picard's stirring Shakespearean-toned speeches will make much of an impression on a creature that bleeds acid, breeds inside organic hosts, and kills by cracking heads like eggs. Nobody in the Federated Roddenberry universe is prepared for the Aliens.

While giving this theory serious thought and simultaneously amusing myself with fictional excerpts from an imagined Trek: Alien script... for example...

Picard: What has happened to my First Officer?

Ripley: He's been attacked by an Alien Facehugger. It will implant an Alien embryo inside his chest cavity. In a few hours the Alien will burst out of his ribs, killing him in the process. Then it will kill the rest of you.

Crusher: How can it be removed?

Ripley: calmly It can't.

Crusher: There must be a way.

Ripley: There isn't. You're all going to die. Your only chance is to eject the Commander out the airlock before the Facehugger finishes implantation. Then nuke the entire planet from space.

Picard: indignant I refuse to accept that there are no alternatives other than the thoughtless obliteration of an entire species to consider!

Ripley: There are other alternatives. But they all involve you dying.

... I suddenly discovered that there are two things that have not yet been considered to factor into the equation.

Does Sigourney Weaver's appearance in GalaxyQuest suggest that Ellen Ripley would have her gutsy strength and intellect significantly reduced if she were to enter the Trekiverse? It's a throw-away question but just ponder it amongst yourselves for a bit. If it's true, it might mean the same thing would happen to the Alien. A warm-fuzzifying, if you will.

By far the most significant thing to consider is the seventh season TNG episode called "Genesis". For the Trek virgins among you, the Coles Notes version of "Genesis" is that the Enterprise crew gets infected with a synthetic T-cell virus that causes spontaneous de-evolution. Riker becomes a caveman, Barclay becomes a spider, Deanna becomes some sort of amphibian, etc. (No, I don't know how a SCIENCE-fiction show can put forth the supposition that mammalian human life had arachnid origins either. I'm not a scientist by any means but I can say with definitive certainty that cats did not evolve from iguanas. That's not really the point of this exercise, though.) Worf devolves into a sort of primordial spiny predator with an acid-sac defense system hell bent on mating with Deanna and savagely killing anyone in his way. As illustrated...
I don't quite know what it all means but clearly there's slightly more to Trek than meets the eye (and none of it is particularly scientific in origin, either). If Klingons (or possibly just Worf) evolved from acid-spitting predators perhaps the NCC1701-E stands a ghost of a chance against an Alien. Or at least against Ripley. Okay, if Ripley is still an Alien hybrid like she was in Resurrection and she sides with the Aliens, my money is on the Enterprise being roundly fucked. But if Ripley sides with Team Starfleet and Worf devolves, I'd say they have even odds.