February 9, 2007

I think I'm just really fucking lazy right now.

Hence why this post will be appropo of nothing. But it will contain pretty pictures, which I love. And it will be about my favorite actresses. Which I also love. (Which could fall under the labels of "Actresses are almost as good as Elves" or "Oooooh lookit all the purty pictures!" if I were a label-whore like the New Blogger Regime assumes I am. But I'm not. So this post can just fade into the ethernet in a giant unorganized jumble like every other post I make.)

It's Anjelica Huston and Sharon Stone together! They were co-hosts for this year's Nobel Peace Prize Concert... um, thingy. Anyway, look how lovely they are together! I adore both of them (Morticia Addams and Catherine Trammel, my weaknesses) and this picture looks more like it was ripped from my overly active imagination than reality. (Why are you all smirking like that? Have I mistakenly led you to believe that my imagination would contain something other than the purest of intentions?) Anjelica is a powerhouse actress (rent Prizzi's Honor and The Life Aquatic - just do it, don't think about it) and so is Sharon when she chooses the right script (ie. not Catwoman or Beautiful Joe). I think these two should be in a movie together. Yes. A movie together. With Sigourney Weaver. Oh wait, was that a segue?

Sigourney Weaver in GalaxyQuest was like putting Sigourney Weaver in Star Trek which, to my poor fiction-addled brain, was like crack. Does it get better than having Ellen Ripley play a sex goddess actress in a Trek parody? Well... okay, yes... they could have put the Alien into Star Trek... anyway, I think Sigourney should join Anjelica and Sharon in a movie. But not a Steel Magnolias type of movie. No, no, no, no! I hate chick flicks. It should have action in it, lots of bloody murderous intrigue, possibly some vampires, sex, and maybe a noir-ish period setting. And also Gina Gershon. Oh my god, was that another segue?

And that's Ms. Gina Gershon looking... ummm... damn distracting, actually, and I'm not even a guy. Gina has been my model for the Most Sensually Smouldering Woman Ever since I discovered her in, yes, Showgirls. Which I owned back in Canadialand and am not ashamed to say I watched at least as much as I watched Bound. Which I watched at least as much as I watched Basic Instinct. Which I watched at least as much as I watched The Addams Family. It's really sort of miraculous that I had time for living in between all those repeat viewings of the same damn movies, actually. Hey Homie, remember my Showgirls diet? I believe I'm the only idiot in the world who takes nutrition advice from a Paul Verhoeven/Joe Eszterhas movie. Like they know anything about women. Anyway... back to my movie...

I think it should be along the lines of Bound. Sort of a noir-ish mafia-esque crime drama. I personally am fine with there being lots of sex in it but I supposed the prudish or violence-purist among us might disagree with that idea. Though to be perfectly honest, one of my very favorite Sharon Stone roles has no sex in it. (Unless you live in New Zealand and can rent the slightly extended international release which, oh wait, I can!) I absolutely loved her as Ellen in The Quick and the Dead. Here's a quick six degrees for you: before she and Anjelica Huston held hands for peace (or whatever), Sharon starred with Gene Hackman in The Quick and the Dead and Gene starred with Anjelica in The Royal Tenenbaums. (Which is a fucking brilliant film.) Anyway, since The Quick and the Dead is a western, perhaps we could throw a little horseback riding and gunfighting into the mix, just to keep it interesting. Sort of a mafia of the Old West scenario. With a vampire angle. I propose that Anjelica play the head of said Old West mafia and she can use one of her many fabulous accents in the role. (Irish? Brooklyn? English? Anything, she can do anything. She could do Klingon if she put her mind to it.) Naturally she took over control of The Family when her husband died (Or was he MURDERED? dum dum DUMMMMM! And by whom? dum DUM DUMMMMMMM!!) to the great chagrin of her husband's mistress, played by Sigourney Weaver. Thus Anjelica is pitted against Sigourney who, since she runs the local whorehouse, turns most of the men in town against Anjelica's crime family. An uprising is imminent. So Anjelica hires an out-of-town assassin to come in and "take care of" Sigourney. This would seem like the perfect role for Sharon who can mix it up a little by infusing her girl gunslinger from The Quick and the Dead with a bit of Casino-esque mafia understanding. Brilliant! And she can do that thing with her eyes where they burn through you even though her face betrays no expression whatsoever. I love that. So... Sigourney is now at a disadvantage. She has no legitimate claim to the Old West mob money or power since she was the mistress and not the wife, like Anjelica. Sure, she's got whores and horny men on her side but Anjelica has the mob and also Sharon as a hired gun. What's a madam to do? (Seriously, you don't know? Dudes, how long have you known me? I'm kinda disappointed.) I'll tell you - she decides to see if there's any truth to the town's vampire legend and tracks down, yes, a vampire living in a derelict cemetery. Who, obviously, would be played by Gina. Because she's so damn sexy she could even make an undead Old West vampire incredibly alluring. So now we have Anjelica and Sharon on one side and Sigourney and Gina on the other. Who will win? Okay I don't know, I'm just the ideas girl. My money is actually on Anjelica although there's no real basis for that bet. I've seen Sigourney kick alien ass in four separate movies so there's absolutely no reason she couldn't handle the mob, especially with a vampire on her side. But Anjelica is from a royal Hollywood dynasty and also survived being Jack Nicholson's lover for seventeen years. So at the very least it's an even match.

And that's the movie I propose. If you know any of the above-mentioned fine ladies of cinema, you might want to run this idea past them. They may all just be holding out for an Old West vampire mafia crime drama (with optional sex and/or lesbianism). And Homie or Thor, if you have any ideas for a real kicker of an ending, do let me know. I don't want a lame-ass M. Night twist (Omigod, the Old West town is actually just the inside of a snowglobe!) but a shocking last-minute narrative hook would be appreciated. If you need a guest cameo to make it happen, I suggest Gene Hackman. He's always great.

February 7, 2007

You know, I resent Blogger's militant tactics in getting me to change to their "NEW Blogger". I resisted with the sullen stubbornness of a 99 year old who can't see over the steering wheel of their car or work the gas pedal due to arthritis but still insists they can "get around just fine". And yet, like that same poor driver, the DMV that is Blogger has forced me off my lonely country road and into the giant parking lot called "progress" where I am now floundering in a sea of like cars, all stalled, all signing in with their Google accounts.

Look, Blogger, I don't care a fuck about labels or push button blogging. It's not that I am unable to embrace change but I resent change when it's for no reason other than "hey, we can!" and when that useless but "exciting" change is forced down my throat like some alien anal probe gone awry. I absolutely resent the fact that I couldn't even get into my blog to rant about this until you arbitrarily shifted my Crypt (my Crypt) over to the NEW Blogger! If you force me to label my damn posts, I swear to god I will label them all "Fuck labels" because I sure as hell am not going to label my posts "scooters", "vacation", or "fall"; three of the oh-so-risque and very literary labels that your NEW Blogger Regime suggests I might use.

I will finish ranting when I'm good and fucking well ready.

There's nothing more irritating than pointless progress. Could the hours spent on the NEW Blogger Regime not have been better spent, say, reducing the US CO2 emissions to lessen the growing effects of global warming or, I don't know, stopping the goddamn war in Iraq? I'm pretty sure planetary destruction, war, and the extinction of species all rate at least SLIGHTLY higher than labeling blog posts in the overall scheme of lasting importance.

Or at the very least, could you not have come up with a way for the NEW Blogger Regime to look less like the old Blogger only with bigger font and labels? With all this progress, you'd think we'd have Smell-O-Vision by now or something.

Alright, I'm done.

I'm moving past it.