January 12, 2007

There's stuff going down at home right now (not home here in Middle-earth, home back in Canadialand) with my extended family that's really very bad. And I am stuck here on the other side of the globe with no chance of jetting back to offer support. If you're inclined towards prayer, you might offer some up to whatever deity you believe in on behalf of Torch and Mrs. Torch and Torch's family. I'd love that if you could.

It seems a bit crass at present for me to blog about inane or stupidly humorous things when all this ugliness is going down at home. But on the other hand, is glumming around morosely going to make the situation any better? Unlikely.

Therefore, without aiming to be thoughtless but with the understanding that while my thoughts and prayers are with the Torches there is nothing I can physically do except remain positive and keep a sense of humor, I will continue to post. I didn't create The Crypt, ironically, to dwell in eternal dire gloom. ("Then why did you call it The Cry...??" "Nevermind.") Torches, I love you. Be strong. And if you need a little laugh, come here. If you need a shoulder, email me. I'm with you.

So to keep up my end of the deal, here's my favorite recent headline:
"Beckham gives up football, takes up soccer in L.A."

Also, when I did a Google search for Optimus Prime for my last post, I turned up a US National Guard firefighter who legally changed his name to Optimus Prime some years ago. And instead of changing it back, like a sane person would after the novelty had worn off, he's still officially known as Mr. Optimus Prime; loving husband, father of four, and National Guardsman. Who would do that? And how do you take somebody seriously after they've done that? It's like Sting. Sting, believe it or not, is not his real name. (I know, SHOCKER.) It's normal now to call him Sting. It feels right. But he was born Gordon Matthew Thomas Sumner and at some point in his formative years he gathered his mates together and said "Right, from now on I want to be known as 'Sting'. So no more 'Gordo' or 'Gord'. It's Sting, okay?" Then he went on to be a (soft) rock star and had endless hours of tantric sex so it's okay that he's Sting. But National Guardsman Optimus Prime? If he's not in service anymore, what's he doing? Selling insurance? Pumping gas? "Hi, I'm Optimus Prime. I understand you have questions about your life insurance policy."

I can't even imagine what sort of man would change his name to Optimus Prime. Oh wait, yes I can... a United States of America serviceman from Ohio who strongly identified with the fictional leader of the robot/vehicle Autobots as a father figure. At age 30. If this doesn't tell you a lot about what might be wrong with America today, nothing will.

January 10, 2007


Watch the new full-length theatrical trailer courtesy of YouTube by clicking above. You know what's cool about this movie? Transformers are real. And because they're not human we don't have to worry about mis-casting. It's not like "Really? Zach Braff as Optimus Prime? I just don't see it." I loved the Transformers growing up but I'm not enough of a dork purist to freak out if certain car colors or types are 'wrong' in the film. Just make them real and entertain the hell out of me. Michael Bay is not a subtle man - nuance is not his thing - so this film should be the perfect vehicle for him. (Did you see what I did there? I said "vehicle" because Autobots are vehicles...)

I'll also let you in on a little secret. My first female idol was indeed Emma Peel from The Avengers. Which makes me cool. But my very first crush was... *cough*... Optimus Prime. Yeah. Optimus Prime. Which I guess actually does make me a dork freak. In my defense I was really young so the logistics of having a romantic crush on a truck/robot didn't really get in the way of me wanting to marry him. Back then, in the halcyon days of innocent childhood, that's all you did. You got married. And... that was it. And he was tall and strong and commanding and heroic... and shiny and metal... anyway. Prime didn't lose his spot in my heart until Face from The A-Team came along and conned him out of it. Face was my first human crush. And to be honest I still sort of get it when I watch my A-Team DVDs now. He's still hot... in an eighties action-con smarmy sort of way.

You know, you can stop laughing now. It's not that funny.

"Freedom is the right of all sentient beings." ~ Optimus Prime

"Don't you smile at me... that's not even a real smile! It's just a bunch of teeth playing with my mind!" ~ Face to Hannibal
Surely my feelings on babies are sort of legendary by now. I don't like them. I mean, I don't have anything specific against them... I'm glad other people have them... occasionally I like to smile at a baby or even hold a baby... I do understand the social relevance of procreation... but mostly, personally, I'm not that interested in children. Especially not any that might fall under the category of "offspring" or "fruit of my womb". I tell you this to offer a possible explanation as to why I found this quote from Angelina Jolie to be so amusing.

"Shiloh seemed so privileged from the moment she was born. I have less inclination to feel for her...I met my other kids when they were 6 months old, they came with a personality. A newborn really is this... Yes, a blob!"

Angelina Jolie just called her genetically perfect Brad Pitt co-created offspring A BLOB. See, these are the moments when Hollywood actually is worth it's weight in entertainment value. Ah, hilarious...

Yeah, Shiloh will probably need therapy later but that's then, this is now. And right now I'm chuckling. We are very amused.

In other news, I made muffins today. No, like, by hand. One ingredient at a time. "From scratch", as they say. And yes, they are totally edible! Peach and macadamia nut muffins. I KNOW! Trust me, I was as surprised as you are. The wonders, they just keep on coming!

January 8, 2007

My First Female Idol:

The inimitable, the chic, the impossibly independent and cool Mrs. Emma Peel of The Avengers. As played by Dame Diana Rigg. I still want to be Emma Peel. Once bitten by that bug, it never goes away. Nobody comes close to her. She is the epitome of woman.

And here she is with Patrick Macnee as John Steed. A flawless match.