August 25, 2006

A Wee Disclaimer: I don't own Star Trek or Lord of the Rings or any of the images in this post. I'm just a dreamer who likes to pretend she can one-up Nicky Hilton, that's all. No profit made, no offense intended.

Some positive feedback from Kimdianna and Blarg and too much time on my hands have conspired to convince me that my island resort idea is not only light years better than Nicky Hilton's, but something that should be a reality. I've now refined the idea somewhat - combining my old youthful ideas with some of the newer strokes of genius - and I've come up with what I like to fondly think of as the New Fantasy Island. Only without Ricardo Montalban. Or rather with him as Khan instead. KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!! I digress. Courtesy of my head and also the internet, I bring you some concept art for my new island resort.

Firstly the pool. Here is some unknown artist's rendering of a top view of the USS Enterprise 1701-D which also, by a stroke of luck, happens to now be an artist's rendering of the main pool.

Note that the saucer and drive sections will be the regular swimming portions of the pool while each necelle will function as a hot spa pool. (And if you don't know what a necelle is this may not be the resort for you.)

The theme rooms will be many and plentiful. Each suite or room will either feature a jungle view (overlooking the vast tiger sanctuary and reserve that most of the undeveloped part of the island will house), a pool view, or a beach view. The beach view will overlook the trademark red sand beaches. And because Blarg pointed out that being eaten by a tiger may stop him from visiting, the resort area will be fenced off from the jungles where the tigers roam freely. Though if you take an elephant safari into the jungles you will still have to sign a waiver forfeiting your surviving family members' right to sue if you are, by rare chance, eaten. At any rate, the theme rooms will include the Lord of the Rings Elf realm suites - a Lothlorien suite, a Rivendell suite (there will also be a Rivendell courtyard complete with Enya serenades and moonlit gazebos), and a Mirkwood suite. The Enterprise rooms will feature an Enterprise Bridge room, the Captain's Ready Room, and a standard Officer's Quarters suite. The Addams Family wing will feature Uncle Fester's room, Wednesday's room, and the grand Morticia and Gomez suite. All Addams Family rooms will be accessed off the library corridor by pulling the particular secret book that reveals each room's door. In addition to the themed suites listed, there will be individual theme rooms such as the ball room, the cloud room, the round room (containing no corners of any kind), the jungle room, the Savannah room, and a very special Hobbit room. For small guests only.

An actual Paramount-owned photograph that I liberally ripped off to show what the interior of the Enterprise Bridge room (circa Enterprise D, first refit) would look like. The more observant among you are saying "Where's the bed?" while the true Trekkers among you are drooling with anticipation. So there's your answer. If you think to ask where the bed is, this is not the room for you.

An actual New Line Cinema-owned concept art image of Lothlorien (presumably created for Fellowship) which I liberally ripped off to show what the Lothlorien suite exterior might look like. The interior, of course, being gorgeously opulent and full of celestial Elf harmonies just like in the films. Elf companion optional but recommended.

The pool will be tended by Ensign Toasts (which is what all the pool boys will be called as they are interchangable and also, in the event of an alien attack, expendable). Celebrity entertainers, dinner companions, or jungle safari guides will be available for those more discerning guests. The celebrities available will depend on who I think is worthy of being on the island in the first place. The Star Trek karaoke room will run nightly, of course, Convention appearances allowing.

An example of why I will need fencing, waivers, and also elephants and celebrity safari guides in the first place. TIGERS! It's all about the tigers. The majestic creatures may be glimpsed from the terraces of jungle view rooms (tiger whim permitting) or whilst on safari in the island jungles. Half of all proceeds made by the resort will maintain the sanctuary on the rest of the island and will fund tiger research and reserve development across the globe.

And I will have a litter with burly men (all named Marton) to carry me from wing to wing on business. Also Sharon Stone will have her own set of suites (theme to be determined by her) on a permanent reserve if she wishes. Or rather, once I'm that ridiculously wealthy, if I wish. And I do.

August 22, 2006

Te Arikinui Dame Te Atairangikaahu
1931 - 2006

The Maori Queen, Dame Te Atairangikaahu, died on August 15th and all Maori then entered a traditional week of mourning culminating with her funeral yesterday, on August 21. In keeping with Maori tradition, she is buried in an unmarked grave on Taupiri Mountain (as her ancestors were) as a sign of equality with her people.

Tuheitia Paki, her eldest son, was chosen as her successor during the mourning period. Maori royalty is an elective monarchy so Tuheitia Paki, the new king, is actually Dame Te Atairangikaahu's second child as the right of succession does not automatically fall to the eldest.

The same things that make headlines in North America are news here but there is also a different pulse to life. There is a very strong sense of national pride and things that matter to New Zealand are not always what matter worldwide. I am proud to live here and learn what I can from this country. And though I don't know how to say it in Maori, I offer farewell to the Queen and welcome to the new King.

August 20, 2006

I interrupt the vampire gallery for a distressing news bulletin.

Look at this picture.

In what I can only assume is an artist's Photoshop rendering of what will shortly be reality, the picture depicts the proposed new South Beach, Miami hotel called Nicky O. Why is this news? Because it's to be the first in a franchise of hotels created and owned by none other than Nicky Hilton. Nicky Hilton is the younger, slightly less offensive, and certainly less famous sister of Paris Hilton who is famous mostly just for being Paris Hilton. And for making bad choices in home movie topics. I digress. Nicky O is Nicky Hilton's new project - a chain of five star hotels that she intends to launch entirely on her own, without any assistance from her family. (After all, it's not like Hiltons know anything about hotels. *scoff*) What would a hotel designed by Nicky Hilton be like? Well the official website poses these thought-provoking questions to aid us in visualizing the answer:

"A Hotel being launched by Nicky Hilton combines the five-star service that you would expect from a hotel bearing Nicky's name, but what if the staff were outfitted in designer clothing? What if the public areas had Nicky Hilton's personal designs, brought to life?"

WHAT IF?!?! O sleep, perchance to dream!

But wait, there's more...

~ The scent of gardenias will be misted throughout the property.
~ The elevators will feature E! news ticker entertainment updates.
~ The lobby will boast a celebrity photo wall of Nicky's famous friends and hotel guests.
~ There will be two VIP celebrity clubs both featuring wall screens of E! footage.
~ There will be poolside tanning butlers.
~ Instead of chocolate wafers on pillows at night, there will be mini cupcakes.
~ A Nicky O boutique will feature Nicky's own lines of apparel, linens, and handbags.
~ The Nicky O Catalog will allow guests to purchase anything seen in their rooms - wallpaper, linens, the bed, anything.

I have to say that the five-star service that I would expect from a hotel bearing Nicky's name is pretty much summed up in the above information. To be perfectly honest I had no expectations whatsoever regarding hotels designed by Nicky Hilton but if I were forced, at gunpoint, to imagine such a travesty, I really would imagine a brothel / E! Feature involving tanning butlers and cupcakes.

Back in my younger days I too had fancy dreams of owning my own island resort. I imagined it would feature loads of scantily clad pool boys all bearing eerie resemblance to any of the NSync boys and John Cusack and maybe Face from The A-Team. There would also be a tiny butler who would shout out "Da plane! Da plane!" whenever a plane approached the island. And possibly a unicorn and the entire cast of Star Trek: the Next Generation singing karaoke. Definitely theme rooms which included the Enterprise Bridge room, the room made entirely of clouds, the Mickey Mouse room, and the ball room (note: not ballroom, but "room full of balls"). Also there would necessarily be a litter borne on the shoulders of burly men to take me to and from my room and the different wings of the resort. And a red sand beach. But the difference between me and Nicky Hilton is I realized that things that sound good in my head don't necessarily translate into experiences actual people would voluntarily pay for.

Or, to put it simply, I sort of grew up. I mean now the theme rooms would definitely include several Elf realm Lord of the Rings rooms, the round room with no corners in it at all, an Addams Family wing, and the tiger room. Also the entire island would be a tiger sanctuary and guests would have to sign a waiver stating that no member of their surviving family could sue if a tiger eats them during their stay. Additionally the pool boys would now eerily resemble Marton Csokas, Craig Parker, Tom Hardy, and also still Face from The A-Team. And I'd ride an elephant to and from the cabana. With Sharon Stone. So really it's a damn good thing I don't have a ridiculously wealthy and stupidly indulgent father or you would all be paying me to lounge around in the Lothlorien room while waiting for the privilege of becoming tiger fodder.

My talents are sorely underused on a daily basis.