October 29, 2005

The concept of being overseas is apparently a hard one to grasp.

I, for reasons of bad debt and pointless payments, maintain a Canadian bank account even though I've been in New Zealand well over a year now. This Canadian bank account is with that *cough*MARVELOUS*cough* institution known as the Royal Bank. I've been a Royal Bank client since I was three or seven or something ridiculous and stuck with them through the whole "we're too cool to be Royal Bank so call us RBC, homies" phase and god knows what other nonsense they've put me through over the years.

Now, however, I am no longer a Royal Bank ... sorry, only their mother calls them that... an RBC client. And I'll tell you why. They deleted me. See, my account had all these bells and whistles on it like unlimited debit transactions for free and cheques and what-have-you. But as nothing free comes without cost (cue eye roll here), I was being charged these monthly fees to maintain all my free stuff. So I wrote to them and said "Hey RBC, I'm in New Zealand and don't want to pay these fees any more. Take them away! Just leave my account bare naked and open and I'll do what I want with it. In a non-abusive or invasive sort of way."

Here's how I imagine the next step happened:

RBC Tech Hooligan 1: *reading email to self* Righteous dudette! We can, like, totally erase your account! Stick it to the man, man! *takes a toke*
RBC Tech Hooligan 2: Did she say to erase it? Or, like, delete it? *takes a toke*
RBC Tech Hooligan 1: Let's do both, man! *cheer in unison*

Hence my accounts - yes, I had two and only requested for ONE to be tampered with, thus naturally resulting in BOTH being deleted - are now non-existent. Normally, being on the other side of the globe and nineteen hours ahead of all you North American mortals, I bank through my online banking. Suddenly I am cut off! I can't communicate with my bank. So my mother goes into the branch to find out what's wrong and is told that according to RBC she's delusional as surely her daughter does not exist in their files. *sigh* Now I must email through the general rbc.com mail forum.

"Dear RBC Mail Forum,
I asked you nicely to remove the extranneous fees from my account. Somehow your pot-smoking pea-brained techie support peons have translated that as 'delete all accounts immediately' and I, a lifetime client, am now suddenly bank-less. As I am overseas in New Zealand for an indefinite period of time and as I am fairly pissed off, I suggest you remedy this. Now.
Thank you very kindly,
Gabrielle the Angered Vampire"

RBC wrote back this:
"Dear Satisfied Client,
Thank you for contacting RBC through our online mail forum where we are happy to serve you! We are sorry to hear that you deleted your accounts in error but can assist you in re-opening an account. Simply call this number (555-RBC2) to make an appointment to visit your nearest branch. Don't forget to bring two pieces of ID with you. For a list of acceptable forms of ID, visit this site: www.pointlessRBCdrivel.ca.
Thank you for your contact!
RBC Drone 459832"

So I wrote back:
"RBC Drone 459832,
What part of 'overseas in New Zealand' gives you the most trouble? I didn't close my accounts, you did. It says on your website not to give account details in this mail forum so I can't tell you what my account number USED to be. It says to send that information via online banking but of course since you DELETED ME, I can't log on. I AM IN NEW ZEALAND. And you are an idiot. I can't come visit a branch for tea or even to throw a holy temper tantrum and demand penance. FIX MY PROBLEM!
Severely Disgruntled Vampire"

And they wrote back:
"Dear Satisfied Client,
Thank you again for contacting us via this totally unsecure and useless email forum! We're happy to waste your time in the name of service. Please phone this number (0800 SIT ONHOLD) and watch your life bleed away into nothingness while we do dick all to solve your problem. Or visit your nearest branch with two forms of ID.
Thank you!
RBC Drone 2975658"

So I dialled.

And I waited.

I waited FORTY-FIVE MINUTES for somebody who sounded twelve to tell me I don't have an account for them to re-open.

*cue bashing of my head into a brick wall*

The moral of the story is this:
Don't leave the country and entrust your worldly wealth to RBC. RBC YOU RATBASTARDS!! YOU'VE MADE OFF WITH MY $2.71 CDN AND I WANT IT BACK!! I WANT MY ACCOUNT BACK!! I WANT MY SOUL BACK!!! GOD YOU SUCK!!

I am finished. And, apparently, so is my time with RBC.

October 27, 2005

I sort of doubt that many other vampires wake up in the middle of the "night" in a cold sweat over work. It's a sign of a sick mind to pace the floor with insomnia due to concerns over whether or not you ordered that last bit of stock or replied to that email inquiry about the function next week.


I'm living the life of the undead but the only problem is I'm not a vampire, I'm just a zombie.

Also over-worked.

Though, it must be said, I can handle it. I have always been good at kicking ass. Just pity the employee who crosses me right now. *cough*youknowwhoyouare*cough*

October 25, 2005

"Do you ever wonder why
this music gets you high
it takes you on a ride
Feel it when your body starts to rock
baby you can't stop
and the music's all you got
this must be pop"

My obsession with NSync knows no bounds. Distance can't dim it. Different cultures can't quash it. Much to everyone's chagrin I am about to become a thirty year old NSync fiend. It's especially odd considering they aren't even together any more. I have JC's album and it's alright. Nothing great, but okay. I have Justin's album and of course it's brilliant. But everybody thinks it's brilliant. It's now cool to like Justin Timberlake. Still, nothing equals NSync to me. Backstreet can't touch them (and why won't they just break up already?) and solo albums aren't a consolation. So probably the greatest modern-day irony (or karma, depending on how you look at it) is that the ONLY part of my vast CD collection that didn't get translated onto my MP3 player last year for the trip was... NSync. I had no NSync for the journey. So I have spent the last year and a bit re-collecting my NSync albums. And along the way I have had to confess to a whole new set of friends that yes, I am a twenty-nine year old NSync fiend.

At first my friends scoffed. Then they realized I was serious and were alarmed. They tried to reason with me. They refused to listen to NSync even remotely from other rooms. I persevered, though. There is no single song in the world that can lift a bad mood or erase a bad day for me as cleanly and thoroughly as "Bye Bye Bye" can. Eventually everybody just gave in. My boyfriend now voluntarily puts on NSync if I come home from work grumpy. My friend Eliza grooves to them with me on lazy mornings off. I like NSync. That's just the way it is. Homie knows this better than anyone. He lived the motto "If you can't beat 'em, join 'em" because hating NSync around me will only make you miserable given the number of times I play them. Isn't that right, Homie?

My collection is now nearly complete. Okay, that's a lie. I have the entire Japanese import CD of No Strings Attached, the Gone single, the Pop single, and Tearin Up My Heart from their first album. I'm still coming up alarmingly short in the NSync department. If anybody feels like gifting me with their first album (creatively titled "NSync") or their last album (perhaps even less creatively titled "Celebrity"), I wouldn't say no.

Also, if anybody knows a way to get them back together, I'm in! I'll sign anything to get them back together. The way I hear it, Justin's the one we need to work on. He's the one who's "too big for NSync" now. Lance didn't make it to space, Joey works Broadway sporadically, I've never heard of Chris' clothing line, have you?, and JC's solo debut was less than inspiring. So I figure they're in. We just need to work on Justin. At this rate I'm starting to believe Cameron Diaz is this decade's Yoko Ono.

"Sick and tired of hearing all these people talk about
what's the deal with this pop life
and when is it gonna fade out?
Thing you got to realize, what we're doin is not a trend
we got the gift of melody
we're gonna bring it till the end"

True that, Justin. True that.