September 19, 2005

Praying Madness (also known as my brother-in-law Torch) just posted a list of "phrases heard in church yesterday that would make the world a better place if they were never uttered again" over at Thoughts From The Sugar Bowl (TFTSB link on the bloody sidebar, my pretty mortals). It included things like "Let's all give the Lord a hand" and "Turn and greet two or three around you".

Because I cut my teeth on church pews, this list was of particular amusement to me. But because I'm also me, I thought I should make a list of phrases heard in church that constantly give me the wrong impression. So here, in honor of Torch, is that list.

PHRASES HEARD IN CHURCH THAT CONSTANTLY GIVE ME THE WRONG IMPRESSION:
1. Let us fellowship together. (I always like hearing that. "The church is going to give me an Elf and Hobbits to go traveling with? HOT DAMN!" But sadly, no.)
2. We will now pass the collection plate. (So THEY can collect, not me.)
3. Let's give the Lord a hand! (He needs one? What the hell happened to omnipotence? Even once I realize its clapping, isn't that bound to get FUCKING IRRITATING every Sunday? We're not the only church doing it. And He can hear them all.)
4. Reach out and greet two or three around you. (Is this in conjunction with the "greet each other with a holy kiss" verse or not? Confusion...)
5. Let's be on fire for God! (Okay, this doesn't confuse me. It just annoys me. It reminds me of Petra. Anybody who is over the age of 25 and attended church youth group will know who Petra is. COME ON STAND UP AND BE COUNTED ALL YOU CLOSET PETRA FANS!)
6. The devil has all the good music. (I agree. So why are we not playing any of it? If we know what the problem is...)