July 17, 2005

Do you ever have those days where all of your best intentions end up like ass? Where no matter what noble or good or right thoughts you had at the outset, things somehow manage to get horribly twisted into some ugly web of accusation and spite from which you can't disentangle yourself without a lot of yelling and angst?
Days where work just SUCKS ASS and there's not a damn thing you can do about it?

That was yesterday and this morning. Now I am in damage control mode. Where I bite back all the words I said in haste, believing myself to have been wronged and/or of righteous intent when really I was just an ass. Where I have to amend all the stupid accounting hoo-haa bullshit that went terribly askew at work. And where I have to stand up and say, humbly (but with a vaguely irritated undertone) "RIGHT. I was fucking wrong. I'm sorry, goddammit, I'm only human. I can't count, apparently. I get fucked off over stupid things. And I may have made things worse by confronting you without sleep. I'm sorry. I was fucking wrong and now I'm admitting it. Forgive me or I'll run away to... somewhere far. (I was going to say "the other side of the world" but that would be home.) Anyway, I was an ass. And now my day IS ass. So it all comes full circle in the end."

The list of people I have unwittingly fucked off through one means or another is:
My flatmate.
My co-workers (especially the one I fired 89 times though that was just a joke).
The guy who wanted a ticket to the show I said was sold out which turned out to have two tickets left in Row F.
Probably David (though he's far too sweet to admit it).
Mostly Andrew.

The list of people I have yet to offend but ask forgiveness for in advance given how my days have been going is:
My other flatmates.
Eliza (though she's a doll and almost never takes my grumpy moods too seriously).
The rest of my co-workers (the ones who weren't rostered on yesterday).
Skotty and Shannie and Poe.
The G gang (hopefully).

Humanity is the balancing act between selfish passion and generous outbursts of misguided intent. It's the beauty of what happens despite yourself and because of how much you love others. Humanity is the miracle place between forgiveness and ambition, tempered by creativity and adoration. I have achieved humanity today by failing through attempting to succeed. There will be a thousand more days like this. And I'll embrace them all. Failing just means you're alive.