August 25, 2004

It's like word association with Skotty. I say "Orlando Bloom" and he says "gay". It's like that with any hunk I find feverishly good-looking. It's all in good fun. Unless, I suppose, you happen to be Orlando Bloom and are particularly sensitive about your heterosexuality in which case don't ever surf LOTR fan-fiction. But yesterday the good fun turned sour when Skotty accused Marton Csokas of being "gay as a French horn" and alarmed River Selkie to the point of comment.

To be fair, I think Skotty was talking about Borias, Marton's warrior-thug character from Xena: Warrior Princess. My last post showed Borias in all his thug-like glory; dirty, long-haired, bronzed, muscled, intensely sexy. Skotty has never watched an episode of Xena in his life, much less one in which Borias appears, so his gay theory is exactly that much hot air.

The tragic consequences of his off-the-cuff remark, though, were that Selkie mistakenly believed him to have insider information on Marton Csokas and had a moment or two of panic. Not that there's anything wrong with being gay. (God, I've become a Seinfeld episode.) Gay, straight, bi, asexual, whatever, it's all okay with me. And rest assured whatever you are, Skotty will accuse you out of the blue of being the opposite, so you can't win. However, Marton may not appreciate being incidentally accused of mirth and light-hearted frivolity in such a random manner. Skotty has now created an international incident in my Crypt. International, obviously, because I'm in Canada, Selkie's American, and Marton calls New Zealand home. Good lord, if you count his Hungarian ancestry we've managed to imbue four global nations in a giant chaotic he-said/she-said of sexual tension.

Skotty, never one to back down on an issue, rejoined with "Orlando Bloom is totally gay, too. Prancing sissy nancy-boy, through and through." Which tidily brings us full circle back to where we started. Clearly it's time to debunk this gay thing once and for all. As I have unprecedented access to both Orlando and Marton but neither will return my calls since the whole Elf-stripping fiasco, I'll have to rely heavily on word-of-mouth and conjecture to prove my point.

There was an interview conducted with the four Hobbits for Premiere magazine around Christmastime in which Dominic Monaghan, Elijah Wood, and Billy Boyd informed the interviewer that Orlando was the "girl of the group" and that they made him wear an apron to parties and clean up afterwards. Orlando was quick to rejoin that maybe "in their wet dreams" that was so and furthermore they were suffering from "elf envy". He's also reportedly dating Kate Bosworth of Blue Crush fame. How do I know this? I own a copy of Orlando Bloom: The Making of a Hollywood Legend magazine. It's like Teen Beat without all the distracting articles on other people and things I don't care about. What does this tell us? Nothing. Except that I clearly need to expand the scope of my literary pursuits. And that Orlando has good taste in women if this magazine can be believed.

Marton is a lot harder to find information on. There are no full-color teen-scream glossies entitled Marton Csokas: A Name You Can't Pronounce available on local newsstands. Though I can tell you that it's pronounced "Cho-kash". I heard Lucy Lawless (who played the inimitable Xena herself) pronounce it in a sound clip online. I think she also said he's "great" in the same clip. I bet. *struggles to stay on track* The IMDB isn't even that much help. His personal biography says he went to drama school, is of Hungarian descent, and is named after his father. Period. Even his agent contact info leads to a foreign-language site that, with random clicking since I don't read whatever-the-hell-language-it-is, leads to an online ceramic figurine store. Baffling. Maybe Marton is secretly a ceramic figurine buff. Which would certainly SEEM gay to me. But that just goes to prove how these little rumors get started, now doesn't it? In an interview promoting The Bourne Supremacy, Matt Damon said of Marton that he's "a big guy" and that he beat Matt up quite relentlessly during their intense fight scene. Despite two weeks of careful rehearsal and five days of shooting for what was ultimately about seven minutes of screen time. Albeit a very cool and sexy seven minutes. I digress. Matt claimed that Marton threw Matt's back out and inadvertently split his lip open with a backhanded punch during filming. The man beat the daylights out of Matt Damon in fight choreography. He's not gay. He's every man's hero is what he is.

This brings us back to Skotty. The man who invented the game of Penis Chicken. Let me explain. It's best played in a public place and involves alternating utterances of the word "penis" in increasingly escalating volumes until the "winner" is the one left screaming "penis" at the top of his lungs with everybody in West Edmonton Mall staring at him in slack-jawed horror. Not only is Skotty talking out his ass on any issue regarding Orlando Bloom and Marton Csokas, he's insane.

And anyway, how gay is a French horn?

August 23, 2004


One of many well-muscled and swoon-worthy reasons why I'm more than a bit disgruntled that Xena: Warrior Princess is not available for rent here in the wasteland that is Edmonton.

C'mon now. BORIAS! As played by the seriously sexy Marton Csokas. I'm so deprived...