July 30, 2004

Tonight I saw a marvelous Australian movie. It was a clever, well-acted, sensual thriller that knew precisely when to end. It's called The Monkey's Mask and I recommend it to anyone with a taste for subversive little thrillers, some steamy lesbian sex, and witty exchanges that build a layered plot.



It stars Kelly McGillis (in a deliciously femme fatale role), the sassy pixie-ish Susie Porter (from the wonderful Aussie film Better Than Sex), and the slickly talented Marton Csokas (Celeborn himself, yes, but with his Borias laugh in place).

And as an added bonus, in a nod to equality in nudity on film, after all the expansive female flesh on display you actually get to see Marton's member. And let me tell you America is not ready for equality like this.

July 29, 2004

The Completely True and Utterly Alarming Tale of the Invasion of the IB Plasma Dragons
~ a work of fact astounding fiction by gabrielle ~

(Ye Olde Disclaimer: Lord of the Rings belongs to Tolkien, Sir Swampy Joe belongs to Homie, no insult intended to anybody with legal clout. Any resemblance to actual people, places, and events is A TOTAL SHOCK TO ME! *perfects look of shock*)

It was one of those days that was rather warm but overcast with cloud. The sun kept threatening to break through but so far in the day the threats had proved largely empty. Galadriel* sat at her desk mirror and tried to remember the words to the spell that would banish the clouds. Several other elves of the nameless variety stood around her looking very studly and not at all like girlie men. Suddenly the waters of her magical mirror rippled and a vision amassed itself on the crystal surface. The vision read: Lady Galadriel. Stop. I am beset by the foulest of beasts. Stop. Send help. Stop. Bilbo*. Stop. Galadriel clapped a hand to her mouth and knew, by reading between the lines of the... uh... VISION that the foul beasts referred to could only mean one thing. IB Plasma Dragons. She shuddered. Though delicately and with infinite elven elegance. Hastily she responded with... um, telepathy, yeah: Elf-friend Bilbo. Stop. Haldir and archers on their way. Stop. If they fail, will send Celeborn with longest of very dull speeches. Stop. Do not engage IBPD in conversation. Stop. Galadriel, Lady of Light, Guardian of the Golden Wood, etc.

... meanwhile, in another story, plot narrative is discovered...

"IB Plasma Dragons," the man in the bad plaid suit with the crooked bowtie droned, "are the most dangerous of their kind. First discovered by Sir Swampy Joe in the 19th century, plasma dragons proved adaptable to change and survived into the 21st century with alarming genetic leaps forward. This latest breed, the aforementioned IB Plasma Dragon, has honed the ability to breathe fire into a thin blue-white flame of steel-melting intensity. If properly harnessed, the plasma dragon can be useful in welding and other construction endeavors. However, the IB Plasma Dragon, simultaneously the most advanced and least intelligent of the species, possesses the ability to kill any mortal within sound range. The IB stands for inane babble and is the most lethal of the genetic developments the breed has noted of late."

... and downstairs in a bad rip-off of the Shire...

The IB Plasma Dragons circled poor beseiged Bilbo where he sat with hands firmly clamped over his ears. They spouted terrible facts from between jagged fangs. The air steamed with the force of their verbal onslaught. Suddenly deliverance came. (CUT IT WITH THE DUELLING BANJOS. Not that kind of Deliverance.) Haldir and his Galadhrim warriors descended down the... uh, hillside en masse. Arrows darkened the sky. But - HORROR - the dragons would not fall. They turned on the poor archers in wrath. DOOM looked imminent. Bilbo trembled. If the dragons could kill immortal elven warriors, who would slay them and set him free? The answer came in the form of Celeborn*. Armed with his most lengthy speech and, more importantly, rank, he glared at the dragons. "What," he said with a dark frown, "are you still doing here? GET OUT!" And that was literally that. The dragons tucked tail and flew out the door, tumbling over each other to be the first to vanish into the distance. Bilbo cheered. Up... er, back in Lothlorien Galadriel also cheered. And everyone breathed a little easier. The sun even came out.

The (thank god) End.

* names changed to protect the innocent... er, FICTIONAL.

July 28, 2004

Dream Lore

They say if you hit bottom in a falling dream, you're dead. The people at Dream Moods say that's a myth. But the falling dream does signify a certain anxiety and insecurity gripping your waking life. They say if you dream about being naked in public places, you're expressing your shame or vulnerable side. And the dream of being chased suggests that you're reacting to a self-destructive behavior or fear in your waking life that you feel is dogging your steps.

There's a lot of dream interpretation to be found out in the webbernet. But in a random (and not totally scientific) sampling of dream sites, not ONE could offer an explanation on dreams about Celeborn.

How freaking accurate is this dream analysis thing if they can't interpret dreams about an Elf-lord, I ask you? OH HUSH!! *glares at whoever is snickering in the corner* You heard me. I've been plagued with Celeborn dreams of late. Legolas, Haldir, the Rivendell Twins - they may as well have gone the way of the Dodo for all my subconscious cares. Now every night I get a bizarro world scenario featuring Celeborn (sounding more like Borias from Xena than an Elf-lord, truth be told) and Sharon Stone. YOU HEARD ME!! Anyhow, in the interests of self-analysis and also of rampant entertainment, I'll detail two of the most vivid dreams for you here. Then (against all my better judgement and in a move I know I'll live to regret) I'll open the forum to you, my loyal readers, to interpret my dreams for me. Yup, I'll be Nebuchadnezzar and you'll be David. So after reading (and obviously after you stop laughing as well), go ahead and bite me with your analyses.

*clears throat*

Dream Numero Uno
I am standing in the middle of a wide tree-lined avenue. As I walk past the houses, my mother appears and walks with me. We don't say anything but we stop at a cafe and have lunch. At the end of the meal she says to me "Hurry, we have to go meet Sharon". I look at her questioningly and say "Sharon?" to which she replies "You've known Sharon forever" and hands me a picture of Sharon Stone. Before I can ask how my mother knows Sharon Stone, she leads me out the back of the cafe, across an alley, and into a giant empty soundstage. I give her back the picture and she disappears. Then the soundstage lights flood on. Trees with golden leaves and ancient trunks start rising out of the floor and I see a robed figure walking towards me between the trees. When he is closer I see that it's Celeborn. He says "Are you ready?" and I nod. He turns and leads me through the forest to a particularly large tree. He touches the trunk and a door in the trunk itself swings open to reveal a staircase spiralling down into the ground. He beckons for me to follow him and down we go. The inside of the tree is lined with gold instead of sap and we head down the stairs for a long time. At the bottom the stairs lead to a wide tunnel inlaid with mithril leaves. Celeborn leads me through the tunnel and before long it opens up into a giant cavern that looks as though it's outside. A giant grassy field stretches before us and ends at the base of a snow-capped mountain. At intervals along the field are Tibetan Buddhist pilgrims prostrating themselves on a holy journey towards the mountain. I can hear clear bells in the distance. Celeborn says "Follow me" and we wind carefully between the pilgrims towards the mountain. At the base of it is a large boulder and Celeborn taps it twice. It rolls aside to reveal a backlit cavern out of which steps Sharon Stone. She looks at me with an unreadable expression and says "Do you have it?". I look down and see the One Ring dangling from my hand. I say "Yes" and give it to her. She takes it and steps back into the cavern, which disappears. Celeborn smiles widely at me then and kisses my forehead. Just as he does, everything goes dark. When light rises again, I'm back on the tree-lined avenue alone.

Dream DEUX
This time I'm on the USS Enterprise. It seems natural, as though maybe I live there. Captain Picard is explaining their latest mission to me but I'm not paying attention and the only words I hear are "Elves", "technology", and "aide". Picard gestures to his side and standing there is Celeborn. He smiles as though he knows me and I frown slightly because I don't know him. Picard says "Did you hear me? You'll be Lord Celeborn's aide for the duration of this mission". I nod. The dream shifts and it's later in the evening (though obviously the stars look the same). I enter Celeborn's quarters which are lit only by candlelight. Celeborn stands and he's wearing a robe. I incline my head slightly and the robe falls to the ground. His body is rather gold-hued, shimmering, as though lit from under the skin with starlight, and is very beautiful. I walk to him and wrap my arms around him. In the back of my mind I think that by "aide" Picard probably meant "strictly platonic assistant of a technological and informative nature" and it makes me giggle. Celeborn looks at me and says "What do you find funny?" in perfect Elvish that I hear as English in my head. I am about to answer when the red alert lights go off. The viewscreen lights up and Sharon Stone is on it. She looks very serious and says "You have to come home now". Then she's gone. I turn back to Celeborn but he's laying on the bed now, robed in scarlet, and white as paper. I see the One Ring around his neck and pull it off him. His eyes open and he says "Go home now". I run from his quarters and find myself in a forest where there are house-cats prowling everywhere. And every single one of them looks like my cat Poe.

ANALYZE!

(And just so we're clear, "You're completely insane" doesn't technically count as an analysis. Plus, I've already heard that one so try to be original.)

July 26, 2004

I had posted a rather foul-mouthed entry here but upon reviewing it, decided it was better off deleted. Why then would I bother with this little teaser? "I had a post here and now it's gone, nyah nyah." Actually I'm not intending to be a jerk with this note. I just wanted to let the faithful know that the sudden drought I find myself in won't last. I'm in a bit of a blogging slump right now, having drained myself of Elf entries and not found anything with which to replenish the fount, but hopefully things will shake loose in the next day or so. Bear with me, pretty mortals.

Note to Selkie: I'm too lazy to email as well, apparently. So I'll cryptically say colors, emotions evoked, and "fathomless". As a categorical start. Entries to follow.