July 1, 2004

Entry Stew

Yup, it's a "multicultural stew" of a little bit of everything today, my pretty mortals.

First off, Happy Canada Day!
The Crypt is indeed located in Canada, true North brave and free. I'm sure you all thought Romania or Transylvania or some other mysterious foreign land ending in "ia" would be homeland of the Crypt but we vampires are a modern lot. Canada has great health care which is important if, say, you feed off someone and don't kill them. They'll require medical attention. It also gets really quite cold here in winter which doesn't bother me, as I'm undead, but is handy for preserving food. *smiles* In any case, it's Canada's birthday today. We stand on guard for thee.

Secondly, River Selkie has been having a bit of a discussion on lurkers of late. There are always a great many visitors to her site that don't comment and I have the same situation here at the Crypt. Not that I, of course, mind people reading. That's sort of the point. But you lurkers are more than welcome to bite me (it's one of the few chances you get to bite back a vampire, you know) yet you hover in silence in the shadows. How to get a lurker to bite? Selkie tried bribery. It failed. I've come up with a different sort of plan. I know how you mortals work. You love your offspring - it's a failing of your mortality that you lavish attention on your young because they're the only bid you get for immortality. Cute kids are the answer. And luckily I know two very cute kids whom I've wanted to brag about here for some time. NOW I CAN!! HAHA!!

Meet Benjamin and Morgan Decker. They're my god-nephew and god-niece respectively. Though they live in the heathen lands of America (don't shoot me - my own sister and brother-in-law live there too) so won't be celebrating Canada Day today, they're damn cute. Their father, my friend Alan, gave me permission to show them off here in the Crypt. Their mother, Jen, is not pictured but may as well be since most people think Morgan looks exactly like her. Hard to tell without, say, upright motion and a full head of hair. *spreads hands helplessly* I'm a vampire! What do I know about kids?

Now lurkers, either post a birthday wish for the Crypt's homeland or bite off some cute compliment for me to foward to Ben and Morgan's parents. C'mon... don't be shy... I can't hurt you through the ethernet...

June 29, 2004

A Re-Imagining of a Scene from Peter Jackson's Lord of the Rings: Return of the King
In Which the Part of Eowyn is Played by the Author
by Gabrielle
~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Battlefield at Pelennor Fields outside Minas Tirith - Day
A large army of wicked creatures - Orcs, Trolls, Easterlings, and Nazgul - is assembled to kick butt on the good guys who are gathered in the white city of Minas Tirith. The Steward of Gondor, Denethor, currently crazy as a loon, looks over the army. He spies the leader of the wicked creatures, the Dark Force, on a giant winged Fell Beast. He panics.


Gandalf: *flattens him with his staff* Stay put or I bring the smackdown to all of you. We stay, we fight. End of story.

The Dark Force shouts an order to his minions.

Dark Force: Bring out their dead!!

Disembodied heads fly over the city walls. All hell breaks loose.

Dark Force: Oh yeah, this war is so mine. I'm calling dibs on the throne, man. Soon I'll rule everything. *guides the winged Fell Beast to grab men on horseback and drop them* Fear me.

Forces of good: *fear him*

Gandalf: For godsakes, we're the good guys. Stay and fight or I'll have YOUR heads!

Battlefield at Pelennor Fields outside Minas Tirith from far side - Day
A large army of Rohirrim on horseback led by King Theoden and Lord Eomer rides over the crest of the hill. They see the giant seething army of wicked creatures led by the Dark Force kicking much butt on the Gondorian Army. They are pretty freaked out. Including Gabrielle who has snuck into the army unbeknownst to anybody but the audience. She's riding with Merry.

Rohirrim Army: *trembles*

King Theoden: We are going down there to kick butt and I don't want any complaining. Capisce?

Gabrielle: *to Merry* I thought I requested the Elf for a ride-along.

The large army on horseback storms down into the fray, kicking butt and taking names.

Minas Tirith, top of the Citadel - Day
Denethor, apparently not understanding that things may eventually turn out okay since he's crazy as a loon, takes this opportunity to try to light his son Faramir on fire.


Denethor: *shampooing with gasoline* BURN, BABY, BURN!!

Gandalf and Pippin break in.

Gandalf: You are nutters, my friend.

Pippin: He's alive!! HE'S ALIIIIIVE!!

Denethor: Oh my god, what did I almost do? *lights self on fire and flings self off the top of the Citadel*

Battlefield at Pelennor Fields outside Minas Tirith - Day
The battle is raging and things look okay until somebody on the bad guys' side gets the bright idea to bring in the Mumakil.

Audience: What the hell is a Mumakil?

Mumakil is the species name for the Oliphaunts. The really big elephant thingies that Legolas kills later in a scene that is totally unrelated to this one so won't be written but is worth mentioning anyway since he's a hottie Elf and the author shamelessly takes any chance she can to plug hottie Elves.

Mumakil: *squashing horses*

Horses: *dying*

Gabrielle: Not good. Let's ride underneath one of these mothers and take out its kneecaps.

Merry: Ummm... totally stupid but very cool plan.

They do that. It works. The giant elephant thing falls hard. The other soldiers follow Gabrielle's lead and many Mumakil fall hard. This pisses off the Dark Force something fierce. As the Rohirrim army rallies by King Theoden, the Dark Force swoops in on the Fell Beast, body slams the horse onto Theoden, and effectively squashes the leadership out of the army.

Gabrielle: NOT COOL! *faces down the Dark Force* Get back, fiend.

Dark Force: HA! You can't kill me.

Gabrielle: Wanna bet?

The Dark Force gets many good hits in and things look pretty grim for Gabrielle until Merry stabs the Dark Force in the back.

Dark Force: Brutus!

Gabrielle: Wow. Who knew Hobbits were so gutsy?

Dark Force: *rises* I SAID you CAN'T KILL ME. Stupid Hobbit. No man can kill me.

Gabrielle: I... AM... NO... MAN. *whips off helmet and hair flings in the sunlight in a total Herbal Essences moment*

Dark Force: Oh crap.

Gabrielle stabs the Dark Force in the face with her sword and he melts into a bunch of black cloth. Then Theoden dies anyway.

Gabrielle: WHAT???

BUT... after Aragorn, Legolas, Gimli, and thousands of undead skeleton ghosts swoop down and kick butt, things turn out okay.

The End.

June 28, 2004

It's been awhile since I've visited the lovely Elves of Lorien.

*moves stone door of Crypt aside*


*meanders off towards Lothlorien*
*is stopped by two blonde warriors with arrows at the ready*

Rumil: Aaye agaryulnaer. (Hail bloodsucker.)
Gabrielle: Always with the silver tongue, Rumil. Unstring your bow, I'm not here for dinner.
Orophin: Mankoi naa lle sinome? (Why are you here?)
Gabrielle: It's been awhile, my pretty elflings. I thought it was well nigh time for a visit. And you know how lovely the mallyrn trees are in moonlight.
Rumil: Wethrinaer. (Deceitful one.)
Gabrielle: But you say it with a smile. Alright, I confess. I'm looking for your brother. Haldir.
Orophin: Manka lle merna. Haldir na ie Helm's Deep. (If you wish. Haldir is at Helm's Deep.)
Gabrielle: *eyes bug out* WHY?
Orophin: *shakes head* A! Maeth. (Ah! Battle.)
Gabrielle: Oh this is not good. If he's at Helm's Deep that means I stumbled into Peter Jackson's version instead of the book canon and that means... *takes off at a run*...

Gabrielle: *trapped behind thousands of Uruk-hai* Stupid creative license...

June 27, 2004

Deep in the heart of Cambodia lived two young brothers. They were inseparable, playful, and blissfully unaware of the dangers the world could offer. But before they had seen even a summer together, their father was killed. Sangha escaped the marauders with his mother but Kumal was captured and enslaved. Not long afterwards Sangha too was pulled from freedom in his own turn. A year would pass before the two brothers were reunited - in an arena where they were to be pitted against one another in a fight to the death.

This is the story of two tiger cubs, Kumal and Sangha, and the journey they were subjected to at the hands of humans before regaining their freedom together. This is the story of Two Brothers.

The movie is a modern fable focussed on the lives of the tigers. The humans are constructed as two-dimensional facets of the story in order to bring a fuller sense of life to Kumal and Sangha. Like any fairy tale, the settings are lush and vibrant and the story rich and nuanced. And like any fable, there is a message at the core of the telling.

"A century ago, there were over 100,000 tigers like Kumal and Sangha living in the wild.
Today, fewer than 5,000 remain."

"It is up to us, the tiger's deadliest enemy, to ensure the survival of the greatest of the great cats, the last lord of the jungle."

And as a side note...

This movie features three of my favorite things.
A tiger.
Guy Pearce.
And another tiger.