June 11, 2004

Last but definitely not least...

Very Secret Diaries of Troy

Agamemnon of Greece, King of Kings

Day One
War!
With Thessaly good and conquered all of Greece is under my control. MINEMINEALLMINE!! MWAHAHAHA!! Now where else can I extend my Dark Overlord Dictatorship Reach of Doom... uh, noble rule?

Also, I hate Achilles.

Day Two
Not at war.

Day Three
Not at war.

Day Four
Not at war.

Day Five
Still not at war.
Am thinking of conquering the tub of Rocky Road in the palace cooler.

Day Six
Not at war.

Day Seven
Helen left Menelaus for some fairy princeling from Troy. Does this mean...??
Yay! WAR!

Downside: Achilles.

Day Eight
Gathering ships for war.

Day Nine
Sailing to war.

Day Ten
WAR!
Soon Troy will be mine. MINEMINEALLMINE!!

Day Eleven
Prep for war.

Day Twelve
Menelaus killed. TO WAR!

Retreat?
Will take Achilles' girl to calm nerves.

Day Thirteen
Retreat? From war?

Day Fourteen
Surprise attack. WAR!

Patroclus killed. Does this mean...?
MORE WAR!!

Day Fifteen
Hector dead. That's the beauty of war. WARWARWARWAR.

Day Sixteen
Cannot believe the nerve of that pouty-lipped, blonde-streaked, cousin-kissing, pain in my ass Achilles. No war for twelve days? WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS PEACE CRAP??

Day Seventeen
Not at war.

Day Eighteen
Not at war.

Day Nineteen
Not at war. Odysseus is building a giant horse. This better not be arts and crafts night or by gods heads will roll.

Day Twenty
Not at war.

Day Twenty-One
Not at war. Am hugely bored. Thinking of conquering own army on the sly.

Day Twenty-Two
Not at war.

Day Twenty-Three
Not at war.

Day Twenty-Four
Not at war.

Day Twenty-Five
Not at war. Moving thousand ships to "secret cove" proving very tedious. Pretty sure cove only secret if you're blind.

How long till Troy is mine?

Day Twenty-Six
Still not at war.

Day Twenty-Seven
Not at war. How I hate Achilles.

Day Twenty-Eight
Not at war but had great time shoving Achilles into horse's ass.

Day Twenty-Nine
WAR!! Beautiful ransacking, burning, blood-letting, screaming, murderous war! TROY IS MINEMINEALLMINE!!! MWAHAHAHAHAHAA!!!

Wait. Is that my blood?

June 10, 2004

You know you want more.

Very Secret Diaries of Troy

Achilles, Greek Warrior Hero

Day One
Twins and a dream about their triplet brothers interrupted by stupid boy. Apparently am wanted at a war. Work work work.

That was it? Damn Agamemnon. Short-sheeting his bed taught him nothing.

Blood tally: Felled a tree. Or a man who looked like a tree.
Immortality status: Thessaly knows my name.

Day Seven
Teaching Patroclus fine art of parry and thrust. Rudely interrupted by Odysseus and one or two lewd comments. Wants me to go fight some war Agamemnon's hosting at Troy. Am supposed to care that the Spartan queen prefers pretty boys to apes?

Have decided to confer with mother.

Apparently war is ticket to godhood. As already have everything else I want - rippled abs, granite ass, flowing locks, and a... cousin - am in for immortality.

Day Ten
Took the Trojan beach with fifty Myrmidons and my prowess.

In other news, hair still has a godly sheen. Patroclus only wishes he had my highlights.

Blood tally: Lost count after ran out of fingers. So lots.
Immortality status: Insulted Apollo and still standing.

Day Eleven
Which wise-ass carved 'Achilles is a heel' into my ship?

Day Twelve
Have decided to pout as Agamemnon proving to be giant fetid boar.

Eudoras teaching me poker but is hard to concentrate with all the yelling from Troy. Briseis gave better foot rubs, too.

Day Fourteen
Patroclus would insist on playing dress up even though clearly we're in the middle of a war. Stupid cousin whom I love like a... brother. With him dead am alone in the world. OH CRUEL WORLD!

How stupid is Hector? Thought it was me, my ass. When have I ever run like a girl? Or died like one, for that matter?

Blood tally: Them one, us nothing. ...Patroclus... *sobs*
Immortality status: Pending.

Day Fifteen
Will call out Hector and avenge Patroclus in bloody show of manly force. Will get Briseis to arrange flowers at Patroclus' pyre on sly. Priestesses will do anything to keep virginity. Have never understood religion.

Hector far manlier than Patroclus in every way. Would have to notice this after running my sword through his heart. Made off with body in spontaneous moment. Must be the pyre smoke. Knew that wasn't kindling Odysseus was fiddling with.

Blood tally: One but as he was a prince, considered double.
Immortality status: Heel okay.

Day Sixteen
Visited by drunken old man claiming to be Priam in middle of the night. Wanted Hector's body. As is starting to attract flies, was happy to help. Gave him Briseis as parting gift.

Not sure why but agreed to hold off war for twelve days of funeral games. Must be getting soft. Note to self: kill more guys.

Day Seventeen
Odysseus claims to have foolproof plan for getting inside Troy. Nearly laughed but realized he wasn't aware of double entendre. Will send Myrmidons home as hiding and keeping quiet not really their strong points. Have decided to take back Briseis. Nobody else can get my hair to twist properly. Will kill more men en route.

Day Twenty-Five
Am not much for math but am just curious where Odysseus plans to put a thousand ships on short notice.

Blood tally: Nothing unless you count dinner last night.
Immortality status: Stalled.

Day Twenty-Eight
Can't believe this stupid horse trick is actually working. Incredibly hot in here. Idiot in left foot got the giggles so had to kill him.

Day Twenty-Nine
Killed lots of sleeping guards on way to palace. Finding Briseis not as easy as killing by far. Am regretting decision to stay.

Found Briseis. Shot through heel at same moment by Paris. Since when does he know archery? Suppose this means immortality is actually posthumous. Stupid fine print...

June 9, 2004

For all one of you who begged for another entry...

Very Secret Diaries of Troy

Prince Hector of Troy

Day Three
It's not that Paris is dumb so much as a relentless pain in my well-toned ass.

Day Six
Paris obviously has no concept whatsoever of marriage or, say, death by sword. Though between the two of them will die of pretty before we ever get attacked. Don't really get the whole Helen thing personally. Blondes aren't so much my thing.

Day Ten
Have just met Achilles. Blondes are so my thing.

Day Eleven
Andromache caught me at 'he loves me/he loves me not' with her feather boa and threw a hissy. Said I wasn't much of a role model for Astyanax. Oh and Paris would be. All that preening and wife-stealing and I still get blamed for everything.

Day Twelve
Would now be a rich man if had bet on challenge. Funny how Paris is considered the stud of the family. Helen could take Menelaus - and probably did for all the gold in Sparta.

Am sure Father's thrilled. Am sure I don't care as suddenly there's a man with a tree for a neck trying to bludgeon my skull in. Damn Paris and his total inability to think with any body part not hidden by his skirts.

Day Thirteen
Told Father and rest of the Old White Guy Fraternity that attacking the Greeks would be a bad idea. Naturally Father got his King on and pulled the old "Who holds the sword of Troy?" routine. Was tempted to say "Helen" but thought better of it as Paris would certainly get huffy. Apparently we attack at dawn.

Hope Achilles shows.

Day Fourteen
Achilles did show and only wanted to fight. Conversation and a cuddle is lost art these days. Humored him and ended up killing him. Oops.

Turns out I killed Patroclus instead. In my defense, he was running about in Achilles drag. As he most certainly was Achilles' lover cousin, the day is not a total loss.

Day Fifteen
Am being called out by Achilles. Feeling quivery at the thought. Andromache says not to go for Astyanax's sake. Why? As though any Trojan child born in the last decade isn't Paris'. Father is of course hosting a big to-do up on the walls of the city. Would have preferred a bit of privacy but no dice.

Does Achilles condition his hair?

Damn, probably should have been watching his sword instead of rippled arm holding the sword. As now said sword is sticking out of my chest.

June 8, 2004

More? You bet there's more.

Very Secret Diaries of Troy

Menelaus of Sparta

Day One
These Trojan princes are very pretty. Not entirely sure Priam's not pulling a fast one and sending out daughters in armor.

Day Three
Does he even shave? Helen's lucky she's married to a real man.

Ooooh... DANCING GIRLS!

Day Six
Haven't seen Helen around today. Probably busy sorting her gowns like last night. And the night before.

So have just learned she's run off with that fairy princeling. Is there egg on my face or what? Suppose there's no way to keep this out of the oracles either. Whole country will be talking about it by tomorrow.

Heigh ho, to war then.

Day Seven
Spoke with Agamemnon. Has agreed to go to war for Helen. Says he needs a few days to round up the thousand ships. What a show-off. Like a couple hundred wouldn't do.

Day Ten
Achilles takes the beach and sacks the temple and Agamemnon gets the girl?

Then again, what would Achilles do with a girl?

Day Twelve
Paris the Pixie has challenged me to a duel. Mano-a-princess. Would laugh if wasn't so offended. Seriously, what does Helen see in this guy?

Fe fi fo fum, I smell the blood of a Trojan son. Speaking of blood, am really hungry. Wonder what's for dinner?

Apparently rotisserie me. Damn Hector.

June 7, 2004

In perhaps my most ill-advised move yet, I have given life to the spawn of my own fevered imagination and somebody else's genius. Pull the lever. (Not that lever.) IT LIVES! IT LIIIIIVES!! What is it? It is my own version of an homage to the original Lord of the Rings Very Secret Diaries. I cannot possibly hope to duplicate the brilliance of those diaries but I can, in my own way, pay respect. So I offer you the first installment of the Very Secret Diaries of Troy.

Prince Paris of Troy

Day One
Off to Sparta. I love cruises. Wonder if Spartan women are as pretty as they say?

Day Two
Oh. My. Gods. The queen of Sparta is an absolute babe. Nearly as pretty as me. Pretty pretty Helen. Oooh - suddenly I'm ragingly horny. I WANT.

Day Three
"I'm just a love machine and I don't work for nobody but you..."

Day Four
Damn. I'm in love with Helen.

Day Five
Damn. Helen's married to Menelaus.

Day Six
Although do remember Father saying something about keeping my sword out of other men's sheaths or whatever, am pretty sure he won't mind me keeping Helen. Menelaus is a giant pig so really am doing good deed by taking her.

Hector popped a vein when I showed him Helen in the boat hold. Suspect he's just jealous. Or maybe there's something to this Menelaus the Murderer thing I keep hearing...

Day Seven
Did Father just put the moves on Helen?

Day Eight
So it wasn't as clean a getaway as I might have liked. Menelaus is coming after Helen. Won't give her back, she's mine. But am sure everybody at the war council thinks this is my fault. Will show them. Will offer to challenge Menelaus to a duel for Helen.

Wow, that sounded even nobler out loud than in my head.

Day Ten
The Greeks took the beach. Hector says they've got some hot blonde warrior with them. I doubt he's half as pretty as I am. Hector says he's never seen a spear thrown so accurately before. Or with such intensity. Suspect Hector is a little light in his sandals.

Day Twelve
Funny how "duel" actually means "fight to the death".

Mommy. Menelaus is way bigger than I thought. Blood not really my thing. Am too pretty to die like this.

In hindsight crawling to Hector and clinging to his skirts not the best way to win babes. Good thing have already bedded most of Troy.

Day Thirteen
Apparently I suck.

Day Fourteen
Hector killed Achilles' lover cousin today. Am glad Achilles not my style as Hector is obviously the possessive type.

In other news, Father disowned me. Helen says she doesn't want a hero anyways. Think I'm offended.

Day Fifteen
Am sure Hector only attracted to Achilles for his looks. Not much for speeches, just hollers bloody murder out front like an animal.

Hector put up a good fight, damn him. Anything to show me up. Still lost, though. Achilles obviously pretty pissed about lover cousin though not sure how taking Hector's body fits into things. Prefer not to know.

Day Sixteen
Father showed up drunk with Hector's body. Slurred something about keggers and funeral games.

He even found Briseis. Huh - didn't even know she was gone.

Day Seventeen
Lit funeral pyre for Hector with Father. Occurs to me that am now only prince of Troy left. Must find manly weapon that can be learned in twelve days. Maybe archery.

You know what I really need is a dwarf sidekick.

Day Twenty-Eight
Pleased to note that Agamemnon took bribe to end war seriously. Beach is now deserted. Though the dumb Greeks left a huge horse behind. Not sure gifts were part of the deal. This isn't a trap, is it?

Am too pretty to die stupidly.

Day Twenty-Nine
Definitely a trap. Hate it when I'm right - though this is actually the first time.

Andromache knows secret passage out of Troy. Decided at last minute to stay behind and do something heroic. Gave sword of Troy to some kid. Told him it's a great babe magnet but to stay away from Helen. Pretended not to hear him scoff. Am off to save the day!

So by "save the day" I mean "shoot Achilles in the heel".

Found out Briseis was Achilles' lover. Hector would have died.

Day Thirty
Am still alive! What are the odds?