June 5, 2004

Inaugural Edition

For all your entertainment needs. If there are hot actors on the loose, I'll find them. We here at TeenBEEN work hard to bring you only the most breathtaking of entertainment news updates.

The Where Are They? Issue
You asked, I scoured the globe.

Orlando Bloom
Our favorite (or second favorite depending on mood) Elf is currently in Morocco filming Kingdom of Heaven for director Ridley Scott. As both Black Hawk Down and the parts of Troy not destroyed by heat, over-budget, or hurricane were also filmed in Morocco, Orli may as well take out citizenship. Look for Orli's Haven, currently in post-production, to hit screens after Troy goes DVD.

Craig Parker
Speaking of favorite Elves, Craig is scheduled to do yet more lip-service to the growing ranks of Haldir fans at Elf Fantasy Fair in Holland on June 18-20. After which he will be back in his native New Zealand for the Great Comedy Debate and Winterfestival in Queensland.

Karl Urban
Karl was recently at Universal City in L.A. for The Chronicles of Riddick premiere. Riddick opens Friday so go show your love for Karl and really cool sci-fi/fantasy movies starring Vin Diesel by lining up early. Of course if you miss Riddick, you'll be able to catch Karl next in The Bourne Supremacy which is currently in post-production.

David Wenham
David can currently be seen in the big-screen chaos that is Van Helsing. To his credit, he and Richard Roxburgh as Dracula are easily the best parts of the movie. To see David in a good movie you can now rent The Bank at your local Blockbuster. He is currently at work on the Australian film Three Dollars.

Tom Hardy
Did you know Tom worked with two of the three Troy hunks in Black Hawk Down? Orlando and Eric Bana. True story. Tom was most recently on the big-screen in the intriguing and poorly-marketed historical thriller The Reckoning which also starred Paul Bettany and Willem Dafoe. Currently in London where he just wrapped work on the play Festen at the Almeida Theatre. (Side note of interest: Kevin Spacey is the current artistic director at the Almeida.) Tom has two UK movies in post-production, Layer Cake and EMR.

next on TeenBEEN...

The Pop Gods issue. Don't miss it. On Crypt-stands next week.

June 4, 2004


Forbid visions in this dark
close pressed lover
arms twined right around me
clasped behind
my back to the window
The full moon glares through the glass
shimmer indignation pooled
on our flesh
for every lonesome vigil kept
When your eyes close
you wander far from this bed
grass prickling under bare foot
midday daredevil
I watch you smile
forbidden to follow
the moon can never hold the sun
Kiss me goodbye
and rise

copyright gabrielle 2004

June 3, 2004

gabrielle is currently cycling through the forests of Endor. Or, in the common tongue, working out to *Nsync's This I Promise You. So I, Homie Bear, am typing this missive for her. There is something of vital importance that you pretty mortals must read- right here.

No seriously, you'll laugh. And if you don't, you're more dead than I am. (She means her- not me. You know, the vampire. Undead. Not the bear, not dead. Vampire- undead. Bear- not dead. Major difference- ah fuck it- just go read it.)

June 2, 2004

I opened my eyes and the world pissed me off just by being there.
The motto of today.

Homie wrote the story of Fat Angry Neighbor and posted it over at the Woods but I'm going to give you my take on it here too. Why? Because I can. *bares fangs* It's been a helluva day, don't anger me. I'm armed with raging hormones and am not afraid to use them.

First let me describe Fat Angry Neighbor. He lives in the apartment below us. So if we're the Woodsy Crypt, he's in the Dungeon of Sickness. This is because he coughs a lot. He's really quite large, this man, and apparently viciously ill to boot. He coughs all the time but most apparently in the small hours of night and morning. It sounds as though he's coughing up his spleen. That any moment he'll rasp his final breath and we'll have peace at last. His balcony is decorated with birdfeeders, plastic rabbit figurines, and cute reindeer appliques. Oh how I loathe that balcony.

So last night I was working out to my NSync DVD as per usual. It was 10:30 or so and the boys were directly in the midst of Girlfriend. Doing Nsynchronized dance steps on the roofs of hotrods in a parking lot at night. Very slick. Anyway right in the middle of a set of arm curls on my part and a particularly heartfelt high note on JC's part, there came a loud banging on our apartment door. I ignored it. I never respond to either the door buzzer or the door itself for reasons of self preservation. Homie however, being a bear and naturally insular about things like threats and irritations, answered it. It was Fat Angry Neighbor. The exchange, as related to me by Homie, went something like this...
FAN: *upset* Could you turn your music down please?
Homie: *calmly* As soon as it's 11:00 and quiet time, sure.
FAN: *angrily* Well it's kind of loud NOW.
Homie: *calmly* Well your coughing is kind of loud all the time and we can't do anything about that, so...
FAN: *mouth open like a fish with no sound coming out* Bu... well... coughing can't be helped!
Homie: *shrug*

It was a brilliant exchange. For one thing, the music was hardly raising the roof. It was loud enough to inspire my workout but not loud enough to shatter glass. For another, 11:00 is sort of the universally agreed-upon time to shut the hell up in apartments. And finally, if Fat Angry Neighbor can cough up a lung all night, surely I can ride my bike to NSync at 10:30 at any damn volume I please. I had to applaud Homie's presence of mind. He was direct but calm. Not insulting but not apologetic. If I had answered the door I suspect the exchange would have gone something like this...
FAN: *upset* Could you turn your music down please?
Me: *savagely* Choke on this, fat boy! *flips the bird*

At any rate, we let the boys do their thing until squarely 11:00 just to prove our point. It was then that I discovered Blogger wouldn't let me log into the Crypt. Figuratively speaking all hell broke loose. I mean it was really too much for my fragile hormone-riddled nerves. Working out. Being interrupted by Fat Angry Neighbor. Not getting into Blogger. LOCKED OUT OF MY OWN CRYPT! THE INJUSTICE! I called it a night at that point. Threw in the towel. Went to bed. And had falling dreams all night. I fell until I woke up. Then I fell and shot people as I tumbled past them. Then I fell and crashed through panes of glass from which fragments scattered and sliced Lance Bass and Orlando Bloom who were watching - they screamed in agony and I fell to the symphony of their screams. It was a long trying night.

And when the alarm went off, I opened my eyes and the world pissed me off just by being there.