June 15, 2004

Second Edition

Okay, so we missed the weekend publication deadline due to printing issues. Or laziness. Or the Oompa-Loompas went on strike. BASTARDS! *shakes fist* But we're back with the highly-anticipated Pop Gods Issue. Hopefully readership of this second edition will double from last week - two is better than one! Especially if I promise not to mention Troy. Oops! Too late.

The Pop Gods Issue

As Michael Jackson spirals ever downward into the cloudy murk at the bottom of the lagoon (no coincidence he's starting to look like a bottom-feeder fish at the same time), the world sort of collectively clung to the happy notion that sister Janet was the "normal" Jackson. Boobgate notwithstanding. Janet has always been a beacon of normalcy in the troubled Jackson clan. Until now. Janet, in a recent Blender magazine interview, finally let her true nature show. Apparently a young Janet grew up with a fevered crush on... no, not Kirk Cameron. That would have been NORMAL. She had a crush on Barry Manilow. But that's not actually the strange part. According to Janet, she had a sexual mind at a young age (she cites kissing the TV screen when Barry Manilow was on as proof of this) but that now, as an adult, she expresses such grown-up urges differently: namely through an alter-ego named Strawberry. Strawberry is the sexual one, the wild one. If you cross her, however, she won't get mad. She'll just call out Damita Jo. That's the personality inside Janet who deals with the tough stuff - the harsh one. Okay... there's only so much Jackson I can take... I mean... my HEAD. I'm going to have Lemon Zinger continue this post so I can take a break. On the plus side, however, Janet joins an exclusive and chart-topping group of equally troubled artists. Christina Aguilera and Garth Brooks, meet your new friend Janet. Or Xtina and Chris Gaines, meet your new friend Strawberry.

From the NSync Files...

--> No more pesky break-up rumours about Justin Timberlake and Cameron Diaz, okay? They're currently holed up in a cozy Melbourne, Australia hotel room where Justin is set to embark on an Aussie tour in support of his (kickass) album Justified. So stop already. Just because you think Cameron's hot doesn't mean Justin is going to leave her to make you happy. And vice versa, girls.

--> Lance Bass is doing nothing. NOTHING, I REPEAT, NOTHING! His website ("Why do we even HAVE this website?") has been on a signal loop for months now. Adrift. Then again, what do you want from him? Isn't being Curious George enough?

--> JC Chasez just wrapped a European tour with Britney Spears and is now opening for her North American Onyx Hotel tour dates. And in other news, no, he still doesn't know what "schizophrenic" means. Hint: it isn't Janet.

He's absolutely not pop but Marilyn Manson is giving his royal grotesque treatment to one of the euro-pop/new wave anthems of the 80s for his upcoming Greatest Hits album. The Antichrist Superstar will record a cover of Depeche Mode's Personal Jesus. I wonder if I could cram any more unintentional irony into that sentence?

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