March 26, 2004

Once again I enter the murky waters of fandom. This latest venture finds me attempting to locate a good picture of Tom Hardy. Tom Hardy, for the sadly deprived, is the seriously talented actor behind villainous Shinzon in Star Trek: Nemesis, doomed Janovec in Band of Brothers, and blessed-with-survival Twombley in Black Hawk Down. However, as my ever-intrepid friend Anthony and I discovered tonight, the internet must be taken with a shaker of salt. For example,
THIS is not Tom Hardy. Yet the internet assures us that it is. We must conclude that he's incredibly versatile. Anthony, playing the part of the Hollywood Director, assists me in illustrating how this rare immersion into performance may have come about.

Director: Okay, Tom. Here's your moment. You're a 40's-ish black woman. You've been in line at the grocery store for forty minutes, and they won't take your coupons. You're pissed.

*Tom nods and narrows his eyes in thought. He delves deep, pulls forth his inner black woman. It's a revelation.*

Director: Give it to me, show me your anger...no....chunk up a bit...there you go...don't be afraid to work within your space. And of COURSE it's a space movie, Tom. We'll put some stars in the background.

Just a theory. As much as we here at the Crypt adore Orlando Bloom, donning an Herbal Essences wig and peering elegantly into the distance on command isn't in the same ballpark as transforming through sheer force of will into a fierce black woman. Hell, it's not even the same game. Methinks Tom got shafted by the Trek curse. But he's young and virile (despite what the above photo implies) and will bounce right back.

But let's be serious for a moment. That woman isn't Tom Hardy regardless of what the internet says.
THIS is Tom Hardy. (*hisses* On the left. LEFT!) Actually it's Shinzon. "How do you do, I / see you've met my / luscious cloned-off man..."

And

THIS is why one out of one vampires surveyed voted Shinzon Trek's Most Deliciously Eligible Clone Hell-bent On Annihilation.

What we want now is for the Trek curse to go back to the odd-numbered movies and stay away from Tom Hardy's career. Which, if you've seen him in Band of Brothers and Black Hawk Down, should be skyrocketing right about... *checks watch*... NOW.

Tom Hardy, ladies and gentlemen. Unmasked. Keep a watch out. I predict Orlando-sized things for this man.

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