10. Die Hard 2 9. Gremlins 8. The Muppet Christmas Carol 7. The Ref 6. Dr. Seuss' How the Grinch Stole Christmas (animated version) 5. Scrooged 4. Holiday Inn 3. Die Hard 2. A Charlie Brown Christmas 1. White Christmas
Argue if you must, but these ten movies provide the framework for what Christmas is. Some genuine sentiment, song and dance, the actual spirits of Christmases past and future, laughs, one put-upon cop against the odds, creatures you can't feed after midnight, and boatloads of snow.
Honorable Mention
The Dead
VampireEditor's Note: After a pseudo-heated debate with Justin, The Addams Family was decreed not to be a Christmas movie despite the hot-tar-on-carolers scene at the start. But suck it, Justin, because I found a worthy Anjelica Huston substitute entry that is a viable Christmas movie in The Dead.
Three years too late, my friend. Three years too late.
But there is at least a sense of completion now. The quest I initially set out to accomplish has been accomplished. The villain vanquished, the princess rescued, the Ring destroyed, that kind of thing.
We got an Advent calendar from Balthazar's mother.
This is noteworthy because said calendar is not actually a calendar in the strictest definition of the word. It's comprised of individual stockings of various sizes made from bright red and green fabric. There are 24 stockings and inside each are two small wrapped gifts. So each day instead of opening a door on a calendar we pick a stocking, pull out two gifts, and open one each. It's incredibly cool.
The really interesting part is when the gifts are unwrapped. See, some are little laser pointers with different colored LEDs, some are gift cards for local stores, and some are lottery scratch cards. Nothing too out of the ordinary there. But some of the gifts turn out to be a bottle of Underberg (a German natural digestive aid) and three (so far) individually wrapped prunes.
Yep. Individually wrapped prunes.
The sheer randomness of the gifts makes it even more exciting every morning because not only might it be something cool, useful, or fun, it might be... a German digestive aid. Or a box of tacks. YOU JUST NEVER KNOW!
And ultimately, that's the spirit of Christmas. SURPRISE. "Surprise! There's a fat man in a red suit sliding down your chimney!" Or "Surprise! You're going to be the mother of the messiah!"
f I wr a carefree kid agn, dis w%d B my nxt ^d8. l%k, I dnt av NEfin agenst yth Xcpt their gramA. n dey do nd 2 alight my lawn.
Oooh, I found a website that translates 'lingo' (or 'txt') to English and vice versa. So now I too can communicate with today's generation!
I think my brain just made it's escape out my left ear.
Here's the translation for the visual assault above: If I were a carefree kid again, this would be my next update. Look, I don't have anything against youth except their grammar. And they do need to get off my lawn.
Srsly.
God I'm old.
And now the imagined Public Service Announcement!
Do you have a teen? Are you worried that you're out of touch with today's generation? Are you over the age of forty with a recently opened MySpace account? Do you need help deciphering text messages? Go here and let Lingo2Word help you fit in.
**Disclaimer: The Crypt is not affiliated with Lingo2Word or real-life teens nor does The Crypt endorse the wanton butchery of any language. The Crypt warns against the use of any form of communication that, by definition, offers the same 'benefits' as a lobotomy.**
It's 2.09 am. The DVD player is quietly spinning a CSI disc on pause. Janet Jackson's 'Sweet Dreams' is playing cheerily over the laptop speakers. She is wearing a pink hoodie with a print of a fawn on it. She has no idea why she owns such an item but loves it in spurts and forgets she owns it in between. She is wrestling with CV updates. She is in the throes of a career crisis that begins to demand the CV updates. She should be in bed but because she has a day off tomorrow she feels no pressing need to abandon the sweet peace of the dead of night. She feels strangely calm about the future though it is more uncertain now than it has ever been. It's 2.15 am. The DVD player is still spinning that CSI disc. 'Sands Theme' from the Once Upon A Time In Mexico soundtrack is now playing. She eats an Oreo. She contemplates and rejects bed once more. She will linger here, bathed in the light of the laptop, accompanied by the hum of the DVD, wrestling with more questions than answers, as long as she can because everything is possible at night and day only brings glare. She yawns. She posts this update.
I can't quit CSI. I'm a junkie. It's my eyeball crack. How can it possibly still be entertaining when I can identify not only the crime but the forensic solution and guilty party before the opening credits of every episode? I don't know. But there it is: a conundrum. It has ceased to be about solving crime for me. It has evolved into something else entirely. A moody blue-lit happy place.
To maintain diversity I've expanded into repeated viewings of Janet Jackson's 'All For You' and 'The Velvet Rope' concert DVDs. My god... like a moth to a flame, burned by the fire... That's the Way Love Goes... Alright? I forgot how much a part of my teen years 'Rhythm Nation' and Janet were. And now I'm bringing them forward, baby! Janet's got a number ones album dropping around November 22nd and I will be purchasing a copy. A whole new generation will come to understand that she is more than Nipplegate. She is all about Control of the Pleasure Principle and just so you know, her first name ain't baby, it's Janet... Miss Jackson if you're nasty.
Don't start. I can't hear you anyway, I'm in my happy place.
"We write our own fairy tales, my love," I said. "The lesson in this is that nothing can destroy what you are now. Every wound will heal. You are a goddess."
"And the goddess thirsts," she said. (Anne Rice 1985)
If you steal this template, the combined wraths of poe, homie bear, nashya, vampirenomad and gina gershon be upon you!
